Adjusting Your Life Podcast Ep. 117 | Why Happiness Feels Hard
Why does happiness sometimes feel so hard to find?
In this episode of the Adjusting Your Life Podcast, Dr. Stephen M. Ward, DC, and co-host Kennedi Hall explore why so many of us search for happiness through possessions, achievements, relationships, and the approval of others. They discuss how this external pursuit can leave us feeling dissatisfied, even when we appear to have everything we thought would make us happy.
Drawing from nearly 40 years of clinical experience, Dr. Steve shares insights into how family dynamics, learned behaviors, and emotional patterns can shape our understanding of happiness. Together, he and Kennedi examine the risks of relying on other people or external circumstances to determine how we feel—and how that dependency can affect our emotional well-being and relationships.
Whether you’re waiting for the next accomplishment to make you feel fulfilled, depending on someone else to make you happy, or struggling to appreciate where you are today, this episode offers perspective and practical ideas for developing gratitude, self-acceptance, and a more lasting sense of joy from within.
In This Episode
- Why the pursuit of happiness can leave us feeling dissatisfied
- How possessions, achievements, and approval become substitutes for fulfillment
- The influence of family patterns on emotional dependency
- Why relying on others for happiness can harm relationships
- The importance of gratitude and self-acceptance
- How to develop a greater sense of emotional independence
- Practical ways to begin each day with a healthier mindset
- In the Patreon-Exclusive Fourth Segment
- A deeper exploration of what creates lasting happiness
- Additional real-world examples and practical applications
- Extended discussion beyond the public release
- More insight into emotional dependency and personal growth
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⚠️ Disclaimer
Dr. Stephen M. Ward, DC, is a licensed Doctor of Chiropractic in the state of California. The information shared in this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare professional regarding your individual health needs.
Transcript
This program is for informational, educational and entertainment purposes only.
Speaker A:The information provided in this podcast reflects the opinions and experiences of the hosts and is not medical or mental health advice.
Speaker A:Always consult a qualified healthcare professional regarding any questions about your health or well being.
Speaker A:If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, contact your local emergency services.
Speaker B:Welcome to the Adjusting youg Life podcast.
Speaker B:This is season two, episode 117, why happiness feels Hard.
Speaker C:This episode of the Adjusting youg Life podcast is brought to you By Ward Chiropractic Dr. Steve finds what most doctors miss and his wall adjustment technique.
Speaker C:It can bring fast relief.
Speaker C:Check out chiroman.com for hours location and to contact the clinic.
Speaker C:That's Chiroman.
Speaker C:C-H-I-R-O-M-A-N.com let's talk about what the happiness chase look like.
Speaker D:The challenge that people have is they're always looking outside of themselves for happiness and when we really should be looking inside of ourselves for happiness.
Speaker D:And so a lot of people think happiness is about how much money they have, how many toys they have, how many properties they have.
Speaker D:But in truth, if we are not enough without it, then we will not be enough with it.
Speaker D:So the journey in life is to find our happiness within, to be content with what we have, be thankful for what we have.
Speaker D:We'll end up having more.
Speaker D:So often we concentrate on what we don't have and we never feel as if it's enough.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So I can speak from my own experience in terms of, I think when I was younger, thinking that happiness was outside of me and not something that was a part of me.
Speaker B:So it would come where I would look for outside things, whether it was people or, you know, just things to, to fill that void of looking for happiness.
Speaker B:And so when I realized that it actually was something that I could have within me and not outside of me, it really changed things for me.
Speaker B:And I, I think something, I think we should talk is the idea that, like, you make me happy or when someone says I want to make you happy.
Speaker B:Because I think that that can be, you know, a slippery slope for people to go down.
Speaker B:Because what that would mean is that that person would then control the other person's happiness or, you know, so like, let's talk about it coming from ourselves and not.
Speaker B:Not from someone else.
Speaker D:Yes, I think it's so important that we start our day with strong, embedded commands.
Speaker D:And so as we've spoken about many times throughout our podcast, the importance of embedding love, well, the same is true of happiness so we should begin our day with, I choose to love ourselves.
Speaker D:I might say I choose to love the wonderful man I was created to be.
Speaker D:I also say I choose to be happy.
Speaker D:I look at happiness that it's an inside out game.
Speaker D:It's not outside in.
Speaker D:So it's nice when the outside world is helping in that journey, but we should be happy without someone else outside of us bringing something to our life that gives us the evidence that supports that we can be happy, happy now.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So when someone says, you know, you make me so happy.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So when someone says that, it.
Speaker B:What it triggers in me, I guess, is a feeling of like.
Speaker B:Because I wanted to say that, that, that probably at one point was my program that I had is that like, if that person is not part of your life, does that mean you're not happy?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:And, and also when someone makes that statement, want to make you happy or you make me happy, it puts a burden on the relationship.
Speaker D:And so saying, well, either you will give me happiness and I will be happy, or if you withhold happiness from me, then I'm going to be unhappy.
Speaker D:So we need to understand that we're in a point of power when we choose to discipline our mind and our thoughts, because everything's about discipline.
Speaker D:You know, so often people, I will give people awareness and they will get it, and you think they really got it.
Speaker D:And then they come back and I say, hey, what are you going to do that's fun this weekend?
Speaker D:They'll say, oh, nothing.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:And so but if someone asks me that, it's like, well, you know, I'm going to walk on the beach or I'm going to ride my bike, or I'm going to listen to music, or I'm going to take Epsom salt bath or, I mean, you know, there's so many things in my life that really bring joy to me.
Speaker D:The joy of healing is like my.
Speaker D:One of my greatest joys.
Speaker D:The harder the case, the more I want that case to be attracted to me because I feel like I have a gift.
Speaker D:And my gift is to help people to see themselves from a different perspective.
Speaker D:And, you know, if we're going through life and we are choosing not to be happy, we need to take a look at what that's all about.
Speaker D:And so often that's about wanting someone else to bring us happiness instead of learning that that's our own job to do the work, to be consistent in that programming.
Speaker D:Meaning when I broke my back, I was still happy.
Speaker D:I could barely walk.
Speaker D:But every single person I interacted with.
Speaker D:I came from joy and love towards them.
Speaker D:So when people would say, you look terrible, you look so bad, you're like the worst patient that comes into this clinic, and you're.
Speaker D:And you're so happy, because I understand that that is a birthright issue.
Speaker D:We have that ability within us to really focus in on our happiness and joy within us.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Well, it's.
Speaker B:For me, I look at it.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Like, it's a choice that I make, and it's not based on external events that are happening or, you know, even as a mom, I think I probably, when my daughter was younger, definitely would let our interaction or, you know, behavior impact my level of happiness.
Speaker B:But realizing that, like, it causes this, like, you know, you know, you're.
Speaker B:You're up and down.
Speaker B:Like, my emotions were kind of all over the board that I. I really reassessed tying my happiness to her behavior.
Speaker B:And so I guess maybe I started practicing not doing that with her, which enabled me to expand it into, like, other areas, you know, And I think also at one point, the conversation that her and I had is that, I'm not in charge of your happiness.
Speaker B:You're in charge of your happiness.
Speaker B:And just like, for me, I'm in charge of my happiness.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And I think that's.
Speaker B:That's another thing we can talk about, too, is with children, I think as a parent, you feel like it's your job to make sure they're happy.
Speaker B:And in fact, it's not.
Speaker B:You know, what are some things that our audience could look at in terms of the dynamic in their family where they're feeling.
Speaker B:They're feeling like that.
Speaker B:So, And.
Speaker B:And also, what can.
Speaker B:What's the dialogue they can have with their children to make sure they understand?
Speaker B:Because this can start early on four or five years old.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker D:And even earlier.
Speaker D:You know, we have generational behaviors, and a lot of people were programmed to chase an expectation, and then when they finally attain the expectation, then they can be happy.
Speaker D:But it's a difficult world when we then expect people who never really empowered that or really mastered that to even be able to do that.
Speaker D:So often we'll look to a parent, and we see how parents can pass on their behavioral programs to their children and how those programs rob the child from their happiness.
Speaker D:Just because they never felt validated doesn't mean they're off the hook and trying to help their kids learn to celebrate the greatness of their life based on their intentional energy.
Speaker D:So parents out there who are listening to the podcast, you have great power to Impact your child.
Speaker D:You can help them by sharing, well, this never occurred in my life, but this is what I choose to be in my life today.
Speaker D:And so instead of negating you, I'm going to celebrate you.
Speaker D:But because this is a generational program, you may still have difficulty because the program that's coming in from a inherited perspective is negation.
Speaker D:And when people are being negated so often they're not happy.
Speaker D:And then, you know, you see people and they might attain some amazing things, but they feel like it's inadequate because they wanted to get something from someone that just really didn't know how to give it.
Speaker D:So we're all human and we all come from multi generational behavior and we come from many generations of wound.
Speaker D:So the idea of happiness is something that is something that will require work.
Speaker D:It's commitment, it's choosing words of high vibration, it's choosing to be joyful.
Speaker D:Whether you're joyful or not, say you're joyful, it will help you.
Speaker B:When kids are younger, I think maybe some of the dialog that I may have done differently, knowing what I know now, would be, instead of me, I can communicate to my daughter that I'm proud of her, but it's more important that she's proud of herself.
Speaker B:So asking that question like, you know, if for some reason they come home from school and, you know, they took a test and they felt like they did a good job and whatnot, it's maybe something a parent could do is say, you know, are you proud of yourself?
Speaker B:And get that going.
Speaker B:And then also share things that the parents proud of with themselves.
Speaker B:Instead of setting this dynamic up where it's like, mom, are you proud of me?
Speaker B:And then you play this little game with them and you say you're proud of them, and then you're also trying to do things and wanting your child to be proud of you.
Speaker B:And then you set up this back and forth where if for some reason someone's not or you feel negated that, that as you, as they get older, you set up a dynamic that then they continue to have in their life with other people.
Speaker D:Sure, it's so easy to let an inherited behavior program be present your whole life and never see yourself outside of that program.
Speaker D:I think the great majority of people just bond with behaviors and they see all those behaviors as their own.
Speaker D:But unless those behaviors originated with the person, then they bonded with a behavior that was never theirs, and they see their life through that behavior.
Speaker D:And well, this podcast is about is to question those things, to see it Differently.
Speaker D:Let's not just live the way the prior generations have lived.
Speaker D:Let's take things that we receive and let's work hard in consciousness to make an edit to those things.
Speaker D:It's not hard.
Speaker D:If you can learn one thing, you can learn something else.
Speaker D:So it's just a matter of commitment.
Speaker D:And.
Speaker D:And if you go through your life and every day of your life, you start your day with I choose to be happiness.
Speaker D:And when struggles hit your day, I choose to hit this struggle with happiness.
Speaker D:And when you fall short of your goal, I choose to be happy even when I fall short of my goal, and I choose to be happy when I attain my goal.
Speaker D:Because both are really important mechanisms, right?
Speaker D:Loving self is not just at your best.
Speaker D:Loving self is also at your worst.
Speaker D:So like, if something happens and I say something or do something, and it was not my best, it's like, okay, I slipped into some inherited programming for a moment and now I can forgive myself, I can release that, I can let it go, and I can move forward in a change or a choice to change that specific behavior.
Speaker B:So let's talk about.
Speaker B:So we can talk about expectation as it relates to happiness.
Speaker B:So something that I experienced with my daughter was that when, as she'd gotten older, I would say probably 6, 7, 8 in terms of the way we were communicating.
Speaker B:And for example, I was picking her up from school and we were deciding what time that would be, right?
Speaker B:So when she was younger, I think when it really, when it first started, I wasn't totally aware of how she was really counting on what I said, right.
Speaker B:And in her programming was like, if I said I was going to be there at 4, I mean, she was expecting me to be there at 4, if not 3, 59, not 4:06, not 407.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And I'm rushing trying to get there.
Speaker B:And then, and then I would, you know, pull up to school and then she would just be upset that I was not there when I said I would be there.
Speaker B:And you know, in conversations with my older sister, it was, and this was previous to some of the awareness I have now is that, you know, she.
Speaker B:It was like her happiness at the time, I think was tied to the outcome of something she had expected from me.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so there were two things we had to work on.
Speaker B:One, again, your happiness is not tied to me.
Speaker B:I'm not responsible for it.
Speaker B:And in that moment, she still could be happy and grateful.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:For me, it was important that I do what I said I was going to do.
Speaker B:So what I started doing is being more mindful of the commitment I was making to her because she really was counting on what I said.
Speaker B:So if I thought that there was a re.
Speaker B:A possibility of me being there at 4:15, I needed to give myself some room.
Speaker B:And so then I started adjusting, you know, the time and then I was able to be there earlier.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So we were able to.
Speaker B:So I think it's important as parents when you're communicating to your children about committing to certain things to understand that based on your child's program, they're going to receive that commitment and that something that you're telling them you're going to do a certain way and it can really set up things to not go well later in their life.
Speaker B:If as a parent you aren't, you know, managing expectations.
Speaker B:So disappointment or unhappiness I think can be triggered by unmet expectations.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker D:Sure.
Speaker B:And so is important just in that dynamic to make sure that everyone's on the same page about the expectation.
Speaker B:And then on top of it.
Speaker B:Also realize as a parent too, like your happiness isn't, doesn't need to be tied to your child's behavior.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Because I would definitely feel my, myself, my temperament or my feelings change and fluctuate really sometimes with like the wind because my child was like having a tantrum or having a breakdown or I would go into lecture mode, you know, and so I think as parents when we can work on that.
Speaker B:And then with children, so.
Speaker B:So with my daughter, for example, what in her pattern would you say was tied to her really wanting me to do exactly what I said?
Speaker B:Like if she wasn't okay with me coming a minute after I had told her I was going to be there.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:Well, your daughter consciously was in a right curvature, which is a generational high expectation pattern.
Speaker D:And that, that pattern is a significant issue because happiness is not about unreasonable expectation.
Speaker D:Happiness is about reasonable expectation.
Speaker D:Things happen that causes a parent to get there 15 minutes late.
Speaker D:So hey, it's my intention to be there at 4 o', clock, but you need to know that life happens sometimes.
Speaker D:4 O' clock means 4:15.
Speaker D:It's not my intention to come in 15 minutes late, but it is a possibility because we need to help people to understand that it's reasonable expectations that are easier to attain and achieve.
Speaker D:It's not unreasonable expectations.
Speaker D:And as you know, on both your side, very high standards because you were right curve.
Speaker D:And her father is a very high standard man.
Speaker D:He's very high achieving.
Speaker D:He have really heavy influence with his mother and she even has high standards so we're dealing with a maze of high standards coming into a young child's life.
Speaker D:And we wonder why they get impacted because they're always listening to what someone says and they want them to do what they say.
Speaker D:But so often there's wound in people and with wound we can say, oh, yes, I will do that for you, because that makes me feel like you're going to validate me.
Speaker D:But then I have backward curve in me that says, okay, well I just didn't do it right, because that's the withdrawal, the passivity.
Speaker D:So we just need to be real mindful in life that life is about rolling in our joy and happiness.
Speaker D:It's about finding happiness in the middle of the storm.
Speaker D:It's not about losing our happiness when we're in the middle of storm.
Speaker D:It was not something where when I broke my back, I chose to withhold happiness from my life or others around me.
Speaker B:That was amazing.
Speaker D:Thank you.
Speaker B:We'll be right back.
Speaker B:So, Dr. Steve, I think we should start this segment with talking about, you know, teenagers and as they enter high school and the challenges they can face in terms of their happiness.
Speaker B:Just in my experience, and also obviously with my own daughter just, and her friends just, I, you know, there's.
Speaker B:Their happiness is based, is like circumstantial, I think, in high school.
Speaker B:So maybe we can talk about just some advice for them.
Speaker B:Some, some things that they, that can happen when your happiness is based on, you know, whether you have a relationship or whether you have certain grades and all of that.
Speaker D:Yes, it's a very difficult time being a young person navigating from multi generational behavior.
Speaker D:And as we've spoken about in the podcast, how many people do not show up in their spinal analysis.
Speaker D:And our job is really to help them evolve into who they were created to be.
Speaker D:And so often when seeing young people, they come in with physical pain.
Speaker D:When you look at what the underlying issue is, so often it may be that they're having success in an area of their life and some of their peers are not having the same success.
Speaker D:And so then jealousy comes into play, passive aggression comes into play.
Speaker D:Withholding from the person comes into play.
Speaker D:And so it's just so important that we understand that helping kids to understand that, for instance, say your daughter, for instance, has a mother and father that's present.
Speaker D:Well, what happens when she's being impacted by a person who has a father?
Speaker D:Abandonment and is that person projecting from their wound to her?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:So this is why happiness is more of an internal thing than an external Thing, because when it's an external thing, then it's like, I'm enough.
Speaker D:When I'm enough for my friend.
Speaker D:Well, say your daughter has excelled on her SAT test and say someone else has fallen short.
Speaker D:Well, they may come at her with a different perspective and may try to negate what she's accomplished.
Speaker D:This is why we're careful in life, what we share with people.
Speaker D:We share a little nugget.
Speaker D:We see how someone deals with it.
Speaker D:We see if they use it against you or if they're truly for you.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:But again, whether someone's for you or against you, it's really your job to find the joy inside of you.
Speaker D:And as you evolve from being a young person to a teenager, from a teenager to a young adult, from a young adult to an adult, what you find is you're facing this experience consistently within your life.
Speaker D:So as you grow in your early life with awareness and understanding, it's only going to help you as you evolve through your life.
Speaker D:And so it's important to be mindful that people are wounded around you.
Speaker D:And we get into this program where we want to be enough for the wounded.
Speaker D:We don't want to be enough for the healthy.
Speaker D:We want to be enough for the wound, of course.
Speaker D:So our fantasy is, I need this wounded person to give me what I need.
Speaker D:And wounded people, as a rule, they really don't know how to.
Speaker D:So this is why this topic is very important.
Speaker D:It starts with embedding it into consciousness, recognizing that we can look at our life and see all our great intentions.
Speaker D:And every time we give our best intention to something and.
Speaker D:And we learn to celebrate that.
Speaker D:Parents learn to celebrate their children.
Speaker D:They learn to validate them.
Speaker D:They share with them the difference.
Speaker D:Oh, when I was a child and I did something, I was always told it wasn't enough, but I'm coming from a different space, and this new space for me and my life is sharing with you that when you give your best intention to something, it's important that you learn to celebrate and you learn to build on your greatness and learn to see that you were really given incredible gifts.
Speaker B:Well, so with my daughter, I think that.
Speaker B:So with the certain things that she does.
Speaker B:I know this is probably middle school, but I heard for whatever reason, her friends didn't know she played the piano and she kind of downplayed it.
Speaker B:And there was a time that she had a piano lesson or something, and they.
Speaker B:There was a couple of them on the phone and.
Speaker B:And they're like, you play the piano?
Speaker B:And she just hadn't elaborated on that.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And my daughter's not really the like, I guess, bragging kind of person.
Speaker B:And so but I saw back then like, it was like kind of her dulling her abilities or sparkle, so to speak.
Speaker B:And then just as she's gotten older because I think obviously you test those things out at some, you know, with sharing and you realize who you can share things with.
Speaker B:And maybe, you know, and in a group of, you know, six, seven, eight friends, you know, within that group, there's going to be people that are cheering for you, people that are going to think that you have it easier than them.
Speaker B:Or I mean, you just.
Speaker B:The dynamic in some ways is going to be there from all different types of programming.
Speaker B:And so as she's gotten older, even with like her grades and what she's doing in school and you know, her recently taking the ACT twice she's taken it and I find that she, I think, hesitates in sharing her scoring because she is unsure of how the other some.
Speaker B:And it's.
Speaker B:Her hesitation comes from certain people that she wouldn't share it with because she's not interested in them negating her.
Speaker D:And so I think wounding her or wounding her or because she runs from that because that's like fear for her.
Speaker D:She.
Speaker D:She doesn't want someone to take her accomplishment and project that she's inadequate.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So what would be like dialogue if in the case that she risked wrist and did share with someone her score and maybe they negate her what something that she.
Speaker B:Because I think we, we've talked more about like parents having this conversation, you know, when you're critical of me, this gives me an opportunity to celebrate myself.
Speaker B:And, and is there some dialogue that teenagers can start to use with their peers in that instance?
Speaker D:Well, from a spiritual point of view, we're instructed to put on our spiritual armor before we get dressed.
Speaker D:We put on our spiritual armor.
Speaker D:So we help people to understand that we wear spiritual armor because the world around us is coming from generational wound and fear projection.
Speaker D:So when people are critical, that's a fear that's inherited.
Speaker D:When people feel inadequate, they set a real expectation.
Speaker D:That's a fear that's inherited.
Speaker D:That impact our.
Speaker D:So it's really that point of putting on armor, being consciously aware that not everyone around us is healthy and not everyone around us is going to support us.
Speaker D:And we see this in life.
Speaker D:We go to someone and we want them to be a life preserver when we're a little bit low.
Speaker D:But we find a lot of times the people closest to us are actually anchored, and they have no desire within them to keep you afloat.
Speaker D:They take your challenging moment and they want to bring you down.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:And so that's why spiritual armor is really important.
Speaker D:If the world's all coming at you from kindness and validation, encouragement, love, gratitude, thankfulness, appreciation, we don't need that spiritual armor.
Speaker D:But that's not real.
Speaker D:And whether you're a little kid or a senior, where we have all been programmed to look for things from people that never even received it.
Speaker D:And that's why repetition is the mother of skill.
Speaker D:That's why so often I may repeat something in different segments of our podcast.
Speaker D:And some oh, well, I have already heard that.
Speaker D:But are you applying it just because you have awareness of it?
Speaker D:Are you really applying it?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:And so I think that's the key element.
Speaker D:It's just to be aware that not everyone's going to support you, not everyone's going to encourage you, not everyone's going to uplift you.
Speaker D:And a story comes to my mind of the cheerleader who was so excited when she made the team and then realized that the head cheerleader felt a need to be hypercritical of her and how quickly she was robbed of her joy in being part of that team.
Speaker D:And then what occurred?
Speaker D:She would say, right, knee pain and she can even walk.
Speaker D:Was there a trauma?
Speaker D:No, it was an emotional trauma.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:So we must be mindful.
Speaker D:And you see it every day.
Speaker D:I picked up a tissue and my back went out and they, oh, you know how that happened?
Speaker D:Well, it's the emotional burden and it's the wounds and it's the dysfunction that you're dealing with in life or not dealing with in life that's triggering that physical pain pattern.
Speaker D:And so if you're young, know who you are, know that when you give your best intention, it's a moment to celebrate.
Speaker D:Don't go out into a wounded world and expect everyone around you to celebrate the great effort that you put forward.
Speaker D:Recognize that there will be some, but there will be many that won't.
Speaker D:And we need to maintain happiness and joy separate from what other people are giving or not giving.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Or what they think about you.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So on a.
Speaker B:Like a teenager, you know, teenager talking.
Speaker B:A teenager.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So is there, like, a warm way to say to someone after they've negated you?
Speaker B:You know, I think.
Speaker B:I think what.
Speaker B:What happens with teenagers is they're not quite sure how to respond in.
Speaker B:In a negation sort of situation.
Speaker B:Is there something they could say to their friend or peer.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker D:Thank you for sharing with me your view.
Speaker D:I appreciate it and I'll consider it.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:We'll be right back.
Speaker C:This episode of the Adjusting youg Life podcast is brought to you by Ward chiropractic.
Speaker C:For over 30 years, Dr. Steve Ward has been helping people get to the root cause of their pain.
Speaker C:He's a second generation chiropractor who looks at the whole spine, not just the sore spot.
Speaker C:With standing and seated full spine X rays, Dr. Steve finds what most doctors miss.
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Speaker B:Welcome back.
Speaker B:We're going to talk about habits that block happiness.
Speaker B:So Dr. Steve, I think that the direction we should go in is, you know, in the context of, you know, teenagers that are in select sports, you know, for example, there are situations that I've been made aware of just because my, my niece is part of multiple different select sports.
Speaker B:And I think it's important that we talk about this where you have, you know, a team of, in this case, girls playing, you know, another team and let's just use, you know, soccer, for example.
Speaker B:So you have a situation where you have coaches that, you know, so say, for example, a team that's there, they won a lot of games and, or, and, and I think for me, I think saying that they've scored more points is actually a more appropriate thing is kind of how I, I, I think in the context of sports it's like, you know, there's possibility that, you know, you can score more points than the other team because I think that there's a way you actually can coach teenagers to understand that they're winning.
Speaker B:But it doesn't mean they scored more points than the other team because I think it's all in how you're framing it to them.
Speaker B:So, so in an instance where they're going to play a team that has, you know, scored more points, more games than they have, right.
Speaker B:There's an opportunity there.
Speaker B:And so in, in a case where there's not, it's more directed towards like they want them to win, right.
Speaker B:It can really set them up for a situation where, you know, there can be some on field interactions, you know, potentially swearing at the other team, being physical with the other team.
Speaker B:Where, where does that like, let's talk about the behavior and the programming of teenagers that react to another team in that way where they would like start cussing at them or pushing them.
Speaker B:Where, where does that like internal programming, what triggers that?
Speaker B:Let's talk about that.
Speaker D:Well, so often when we're looking at young female athletes, say we look at team, we look at trainers like that, you go to the gym.
Speaker D:What you commonly find or what I have commonly found is women that operate more masculine.
Speaker D:And so it's easier for them to be verbal than it is for them to be sensitive.
Speaker D:And so when we look at those patterns in people, if a young lady is left in curve, then she needed father's approval.
Speaker D:Maybe her father wanted a son and got a daughter.
Speaker D:So she feels inadequate, she's not a male and now she's coming from this masculine energy within herself.
Speaker D:And then it's a natural process when a young lady's left and curve to be more verbal because it's a logic pattern.
Speaker D:Whereas a athlete, female athletes, that's more riding curve, they're more perfectionistic, but they're also more emotionally sensitive.
Speaker D:They're less likely to be verbal.
Speaker D:And so when we see that, it's just we have a bunch of wounded young ladies playing a sport and their focus is to win or be better than the opposition and they tie their value into their outcome instead of into their intention.
Speaker D:Are they showing up every day?
Speaker D:Are they giving their best to the sport they love every day?
Speaker D:Are they coming from a love for the sport or do they only love the outcome?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:So it's so important to help people to get into the love of the game and not so much the outcome.
Speaker D:And then when we realize that these are wounded young ladies and they're looking for outside validation and approval and their program, it's winning gives them the evidence that they're adequate.
Speaker D:And but you know, our growth is about loving ourselves even when we fall short.
Speaker D:It's not just when we win, it's are we having fun, are we enjoying it?
Speaker D:Because if there's no joy in it, what are we, why are we really doing it?
Speaker D:Because our life is going to evolve beyond the game we play and we need to help people understand their value separate from their outcome.
Speaker D:So whether win or lose, they still have equal value and they're still super important and should be acknowledged for the intention and the effort that they're given on the day to day basis.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So what would you say about like in a case like that where, you know you're going to play a team where you know that they have, you know, they're undefeated.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:So my, my thought was as.
Speaker B:And I actually haven't been a coach in terms of like in a sports, sports context.
Speaker B:I feel like I, I've had the experience of having, you know, whether my sisters or friends call and I've given them advice maybe, but as I've done the work that I've been doing, the thought that came to my mind was if I was a coach in that case I, I'd almost want to like set a reasonable expectation, right.
Speaker B:That you know, there's a possibility we're gonna play this team to get team today.
Speaker B:We know that they're undefeated.
Speaker B:There's a possibility that they score more points than us today and just prepare them in that way.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so we have a choice.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Because the other part of it too is like how do you, how do you, how does, how do you uplevel a skill when you don't have a, when you're not playing, playing.
Speaker B:You know, these girls might be more skillful or more experienced or they, you know, they, they may have different skills.
Speaker B:So you have an opportunity to.
Speaker B:In each of your positions to, to learn more skill in and maybe that's what we're shooting for in this game.
Speaker B:It's not, not the expectation that we're going to score more points because we may not would.
Speaker B:Do you think in that case that would have set the girls up for a different outcome?
Speaker B:Well, one, they may have actually scored more points but in the case that they didn't score more points, they could have ended the game in a better sportsmanship position and have actually gained some information instead of becoming unhinged, losing all self regulation and really at the end.
Speaker D:Having poor sportsmanship and falling apart emotionally.
Speaker D:Yes, well, I have been a Coach.
Speaker D:I coach 12 year old basketball for boys.
Speaker D:My best friend and I, he called me, he was the head coach and I was his assistant coach.
Speaker D:He said doc, will you share in this experience with me?
Speaker D:I said sure.
Speaker D:We went to the championship game, we played the undefeated team and earlier on in the season because we were the new coaches.
Speaker D:So we picked last, we played that team and they just destroyed us.
Speaker D:But in that game it was interesting.
Speaker D:The coaches only played their best players and so many of their, the kids did not play.
Speaker D:And then we brought that up and then in the finals our goal was as coaches is every kid gets to play.
Speaker D:And in it was such a great experience.
Speaker D:And I tell this story because this kid now he's like 6 foot 5.
Speaker D:But when he was getting the ball underneath the basket, he wasn't ever shooting the ball.
Speaker D:And I had said to him, I said, well, I noticed that you're right under the basket, but you never shoot the ball.
Speaker D:And he said, well, coach, I can't make the shot.
Speaker D:I said, but do you love playing?
Speaker D:He said, I love playing.
Speaker D:I said, well, on this team, if you have a shot right under the basket and you don't take it, I'm going to take you out of the game because that's a good shot.
Speaker D:And you may make a shot one day that helps your team win a game.
Speaker D:And if you don't, if you never take a shot, you're never going to make a shot, right?
Speaker D:And so it's.
Speaker D:It's really leadership from the top down because so many coaches will have, say it's a male playing, whatever, soccer, and maybe they have a male coach, but maybe that male coach had an absent father and a dominant mother.
Speaker D:Maybe the dominant mother just consistently negated that child.
Speaker D:And now that that child had grown up and it's a coach, and what the coach is now doing is putting unreasonable expectations on the kids and doesn't really know how to validate the kids in the intention of what they're doing and giving.
Speaker D:And.
Speaker D:And so it's such a big issue because I look at leadership, and leadership is about someone at the top having the emotional quotient and the awareness to understand that what he's working with is young children that are really susceptible.
Speaker D:They're injured, they didn't get all the things they needed, so they turn to their sport, and their sport is their evidence that supports who they are and what they are.
Speaker D:And we need to help kids understand that it's the intention of what you give, not the outcome that not every team's going to win.
Speaker D:And when we even fall short.
Speaker D:So back to my story.
Speaker D:We lost by, like two points, but we played the team that was blowing everyone out by 30 points.
Speaker D:And every person on our team played.
Speaker D:And after the fact, all the parents were, like, so emotional and so sad that the season was ending because they were showing up and watching the child they love play the game that they felt was so vital.
Speaker D:But the truth of the matter is we move beyond the game we play, and if we lose, it's okay.
Speaker D:Did we gain some stuff?
Speaker D:Did we learn interpersonal skills?
Speaker D:Did we learn when it was appropriate to have empathy, which is a win,.
Speaker B:Which is a win, which is a win.
Speaker D:And so there's so Many ways to help young people and even, you know, professionals.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker D:I mean, you know, you got a professional basketball player, he can't make a free throw, what do you do?
Speaker D:Right?
Speaker D:You.
Speaker D:You coach them to change the brain, their brain.
Speaker D:So instead of them saying, going to the line, saying, I have to make this free throw, then you go to the line, you say, I love shooting free throws.
Speaker D:Right?
Speaker D:You take the expectation out of it now.
Speaker D:You take the stress out of it now the person's able to shoot better free throws because their whole value system isn't tied to whether they make it or not.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker D:So a lot of things happening within the young people, but that then grow up to be older athletes.
Speaker D:And we are.
Speaker D:Our job here is to help the young grow up in a way that allows them to see the greatness of their journey.
Speaker D:And that's whether they fall short or get the championship.
Speaker D:And we got trophies, too.
Speaker D:And it was pretty exciting.
Speaker D:And the family was happy.
Speaker D:The kids loved it.
Speaker D:And then years later, the kid comes up, stops me in the street, hey, coach.
Speaker D:Hey, coach.
Speaker D:I was a kid you taught to take the shot.
Speaker D:And it changed my life because he took the shot that he made the shot to put us into the final game.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker B:Let's talk about parents.
Speaker B:During.
Speaker B:During games, I haven't had necessarily that interaction with, you know, parents screaming on the sidelines for, you know, or becoming unhinged or kicking things or throwing things or, you know, just.
Speaker B:What is that?
Speaker B:Why.
Speaker B:Why.
Speaker B:That just blows my mind that the intensity of which parents.
Speaker D:Are.
Speaker B:And, you know, screaming things at either the other team or.
Speaker B:I mean, where does.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Officials or.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Where does that.
Speaker B:What is the program that.
Speaker B:That.
Speaker B:That's indicative of.
Speaker D:Well, they're.
Speaker D:They're being triggered into feeling inadequate on some level.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:So they see something that occurs.
Speaker D:It triggers in them their feeling of inadequacy.
Speaker D:Once the feeling of inadequacy is triggered in a parent, they react emotionally.
Speaker D:When we see people reacting emotionally, they cannot stop.
Speaker D:It's just such a wild thing.
Speaker D:And so it just shows how often our parents have low emotional intelligence.
Speaker D:They are not aware of their words and their reactions.
Speaker D:They have chosen not to master regulation of emotion.
Speaker D:They choose to react in the moment rather than respond.
Speaker D:They are not necessarily motivated to shift that pattern inside of them.
Speaker D:And that pattern is not just about the sports.
Speaker D:It's about their life and how they get unhinged in their life.
Speaker D:Someone cuts them off and they want to, you know, get in a fight, you know, so it all comes back to how Intelligent is a person emotionally.
Speaker D:And when I work with a lot of people, you see a lot of people have no awareness of emotional intelligence.
Speaker D:They've never worked one day towards strengthening their emotional intelligence intelligence.
Speaker D:And then we look to a parent as if they know the difference.
Speaker D:When you know the difference, if someone has given you a different view, but if you're just bonding with the parent who reacted in rage, and now you need an event to trigger your reaction of rage, then all that means is the parents asleep in a multi generational wounded pattern of reaction based on feeling of inadequacy.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:That was a lot.
Speaker B:Yeah, because I, because I think it, I, I mean, it can be in the sports, you know, sports arena or it could be it obviously in the workplace.
Speaker B:It's just so I, I always thought this, it's like, you know, you have children, they eventually are going to be 18 and 25 and 35 and the age is going to continue regarding like that is going to happen.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So as a parent, what you do during those periods of time is, you know, is really important because instrumental, because children become coaches, become teachers, become presidents of companies.
Speaker B:And just because someone has a title of a president of a company doesn't actually mean that they have emotional intelligence.
Speaker B:In fact, most of the time I would say that they probably don't.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so that's why this, I think this podcast is so important because it's bringing an element of education to really everyone at whatever stage they're in in their life.
Speaker B:And I'm really excited for that.
Speaker D:Yes.
Speaker D:It's applying strategies that work consistently over time.
Speaker D:And when we learn to respond, not react, it's a great gift.
Speaker D:When I was a kid and someone would make fun of how I spoke because I have the 50 speech impediments, I wanted to fight them.
Speaker D:And as I realized that that was just me being angry inside of me because I was not like the other kids and I was having a struggle.
Speaker D:And when someone pointed out the struggle, I wanted to react.
Speaker D:And learning and growing and evolving is what we all have the capability to do within ourselves.
Speaker D:And it starts with awareness.
Speaker B:Thank you for joining us on today's episode.
Speaker B:For more information and to view our show notes, please Visit us at adjustingyourlifepodcast.com if you'd like to support the show, please subscribe to Patreon, where you will receive early access, longer episodes and our bonus segment.
Speaker B:We appreciate you tuning in and we'll see you next time.
Speaker A:This is a broadcast of the Adjusting youg Life podcast produced by Adjusted Life Media on All information contained in this episode and all other content provided on this channel is for informational and entertainment purposes only.
Speaker A:This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
Speaker A:If you or someone you know is experiencing a medical emergency, please contact your local emergency services.
Speaker A:Dr. Stephen M. Ward, D.C. is a board certified doctor of chiropractic medicine licensed in the State of California, county of Los Angeles.
Speaker A:The Adjusting youg Life podcast is written and produced by Executive Producer Jamie Knapp and co produced by Kennedy hall and Dr. Stephen Ward as Dr. Steve.
Speaker A:For more information or to connect with us, visit adjustingyourlifepodcast.com.
