Adjusting Your Life Podcast Ep 114: How to Have Hard Conversations Without Ruining the Relationship
Navigating difficult conversations is often perceived as a daunting task that many individuals choose to avoid, primarily due to the fear of emotional inadequacy and potential conflict. The primary focus of this discussion revolves around the art of engaging in hard dialogues without jeopardizing the integrity of interpersonal relationships.
We delve into the emotional preparation necessary for such conversations, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and the cultivation of emotional resilience. Additionally, we explore the critical aspect of establishing boundaries while maintaining connection, recognizing that effective communication is pivotal in fostering healthy relational dynamics.
Ultimately, our aim is to equip listeners with the tools and insights necessary to approach challenging discussions with confidence and empathy, thereby enhancing both personal growth and relational harmony.
Takeaways:
- Difficult conversations are often avoided due to fear of inadequacy and criticism.
- Emotional preparation is essential before engaging in challenging discussions with loved ones.
- Setting clear boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships during difficult conversations.
- Effective communication involves expressing feelings without placing blame or shame on others.
- It is important to recognize that personal growth often requires confronting uncomfortable truths.
- Healthy relationships thrive when both parties are willing to understand and address their emotional wounds.
Transcript
This program is for informational, educational and entertainment purposes only.
Speaker A:The information provided in this podcast reflects the opinions and experiences of the hosts and is not medical or mental health advice.
Speaker A:Always consult a qualified healthcare professional regarding any questions about your health or well being.
Speaker A:If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, contact your local emergency services.
Speaker B:For so many people it triggers in them inadequacy unless they can fix it.
Speaker B:But our relationships are not about fixing our partner.
Speaker B:Our relationship is about fixing ourself.
Speaker B:However, if you just start with that, you know it's communicating how I feel.
Speaker B:It's always been a challenge for me.
Speaker B:A lot of times I haven't chosen to communicate what I feel.
Speaker B:Wooed is multi generational always.
Speaker B:And it's very unusual for peers for young kids to have mastered the awareness needed to really know how to be healthy.
Speaker C:Welcome back to the Adjusting youg Life podcast.
Speaker C:I'm Kennedy and I'm here with Dr. Steve.
Speaker C:This is episode 114, how to have difficult conversations without ruining a relationship.
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Speaker D:That's Chiroman C H I R o M A N.com this episode is going to be exciting.
Speaker C:I can already am already excited because it definitely dovetails the previous episode.
Speaker C:So how about we start with why people avoid having conversations with parents or peers.
Speaker B:I think the biggest reason for avoidance is they think they're going to be made to feel inadequate or they think they're going to be criticized.
Speaker B:So I think people will avoid any kind of relationship where they think it's going to be painful for them.
Speaker B:So I think that's the main reason.
Speaker B:And when we look at patterns in people and you see how many people come in in backward curvature, that's a denial profile.
Speaker B:And so it's like how do we express ourself within a denial program?
Speaker B:And it's an area that needs to be worked because a lot of people have a hard time listening to what someone has to say because their interpretation is it's only being said because someone doesn't think I'm enough or it's a projection of criticism.
Speaker B:Something along those lines.
Speaker C:Do you think that there's fear?
Speaker C:Like someone might be fearful of maybe telling their parents how they feel?
Speaker B:Yes, it's a scary realm when dealing with people in their wound because when we are dealing with wounded people when we express truth so often it comes with some form of reaction.
Speaker B:And so, like, I could say, well, this is what I'm feeling.
Speaker B:And they could come back and say, well, you're being a big baby, right?
Speaker B:Or it hurt me when.
Speaker B:Well, why are you being so hurt so easily?
Speaker B:Whatever it is.
Speaker B:But you know, the biggest issue is when there is a denial profile, what does that tell you?
Speaker B:It tells you that every time something happened in their life that was hurtful, they chose to internalize it and withdraw from that hurtful experience.
Speaker B:So what they're really good at is denying what they feel.
Speaker B:And what they're not really great at is expressing the truth in what they feel.
Speaker B:However, if you just start with that, you know, I.
Speaker B:It's communicating how I feel.
Speaker B:It's always been a challenge for me.
Speaker B:A lot of times I haven't chosen to communicate what I feel.
Speaker B:I realize how many problems occurred in my life from getting into that habit pattern.
Speaker B:And now in my life, when something is needing to be communicated, I feel as if I can clearly communicate.
Speaker B:It doesn't mean that the person clearly hears.
Speaker B:Uh, so I think just roles and communication are important.
Speaker B:Like, I'm going to let you speak without interrupting.
Speaker B:I'm going to listen to you intently.
Speaker B:I'm going to realize that you have a different perspective and you come from a different history.
Speaker B:And I'm going to be open to learn from you, which will expand my emotional intelligence within me.
Speaker C:Is there advice for, say, when a, like, a husband wants to approach their wife about having a conversation in terms of like, prefacing that conversation when, say, the.
Speaker C:The wife is a more male dominant?
Speaker B:Yeah, it's, you know, for men to express so often with the male dominant, the woman is expressing, the man is internalizing.
Speaker B:And then ultimately you trigger in the man the deeper feeling of inadequacy.
Speaker B:And then the man that has been verbally criticized now escalates.
Speaker B:He reacts in emotion, reacts in reaction, says things that he wishes he didn't say because to the opposite of that, they're in a logic pattern.
Speaker B:So they hear everything that's said and then they bring it back up at a later date.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:It's important for us to navigate understanding that we're doing something different, that we're actually working to have a healthy relationship, that we're working to grow in our awareness and we're able to grow at a deeper level when we can acknowledge someone else's perspective and what they feel and what they need to state.
Speaker B:So, so often when someone's hurting and they need to express it, we should be able to sit there and listen to it.
Speaker B:For so many people, triggers in them inadequacy, unless they can fix it.
Speaker B:But our relationships are not about fixing our partner.
Speaker B:Our relationship is about fixing ourselves so that we can be healthy within ourself.
Speaker B:So that when we do express the truth to our partner, our partner can hear it.
Speaker C:So could.
Speaker C:Could a man preface a conversation with his wife saying, you know, I'm going to do something different that I haven't done before?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Or, you know, I'm.
Speaker B:I'm not really good at expressing things that are bothering me, and it's probably because I had this situation in my childhood where I really didn't feel comfortable ever expressing.
Speaker B:And now we're in a relationship, and the health of it is dependent upon both of us learning how to communicate within the relationship and how to communicate differently.
Speaker B:So the things I've done in the past are not things that are my options in the now.
Speaker B:In the now, I want to be able to listen to you.
Speaker B:In the now, I want to be able to hear what you have to say without it making me feel inadequate to realize that there's a wound inside of you before you even met me that may be unraveling as we go deeper in our relationship together.
Speaker B:So as these things unravel, they're new opportunities for us to learn to grow, to evolve in a different direction.
Speaker B:And so I think that's the key.
Speaker B:When someone's upset, we'll share with me what's going on, what are you upset about?
Speaker B:And let them release that.
Speaker B:I'm big on not much drama.
Speaker B:So I tend to not want to just have drama going on and on and on and on and on.
Speaker B:So I may say, well, it seems like you really need to communicate and get some things off your chest.
Speaker B:So why don't we take 30 minutes and you just are able to express whatever you need to say.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But let's not make this expression for hours.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Like information, like the fatigue.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:It's just too much.
Speaker B:So if we're going to grow, let's grow by practicing a short amount of time where we're communicating, and then let's then evolve.
Speaker B:As we evolve, that will be easier and easier because we want to get out of the program that someone's wrong and someone's right.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:We don't need to in our communication.
Speaker B:Like, I don't need to make someone wrong and I'll need to be right if I need to be right and I make everybody else wrong.
Speaker B:Then that is fear, right?
Speaker B:It's like, you know, I learned, have learned a lot in my life.
Speaker B:I've gained a lot of awareness.
Speaker B:But the greatest awareness I have is the openness to stay awake and to keep looking, questioning and looking to find solutions for the everyday challenges that people are experiencing.
Speaker B:Because why not, if you're in a relationship, find love within it?
Speaker B:Why not find joy within it?
Speaker B:Why not have peace within it and patience?
Speaker B:Learn patience within it and kindness within it?
Speaker B:And let me share this with you.
Speaker B:You don't have to buy into it.
Speaker B:I'm just sharing with you how I feel.
Speaker B:You know, I think it's important that people have an opportunity to express, especially in this world of denial where most people are taught to deny the truth and what they feel.
Speaker B:So now we're going to journey out in that growth within our relationship and realize that we have an opportunity to grow every day.
Speaker B:And how we're going to grow is through openness to do something differently than how it's been done.
Speaker B:Priority, Right?
Speaker C:So let's talk about the like, peer to peer relationship that obviously, you know, starts at a young age, right.
Speaker C:And goes into adulthood.
Speaker C:But say for, you know, kids, you know, in high school, for example, if they're wanting to have a conversation with a peer about something going on, is there some dialogue that we can give them to start that conversation?
Speaker B:Well, we all need to understand that we either learn to communicate early on in life or we never learned to communicate.
Speaker B:So a lot of times a parent can help in that, in that process because maybe the child doesn't know how to communicate.
Speaker B:And you know how many peer to peer relationships are unhealthy, Right.
Speaker B:You know how many young ladies, you know, they have some good happen to them, and then their female peers feel inadequate about the good thing that happened to them, and now they're going to withhold from them because their friend was able to do something that they fell short on.
Speaker B:So these dynamics are playing out all the time.
Speaker B:And in our programming, we're programmed to look for approval even from people who never received it, never mastered it.
Speaker B:And then it makes us so susceptible when we're dealing with someone who's wounded.
Speaker B:For instance, like you, your daughter has a mother present and a father that's there for her.
Speaker B:But what happens when your daughter calls into her energy field someone who has a dominant mother and someone who has an absent father, and then your daughter, you're not dominant with her, you've given her freedom to grow and evolve into who she chooses to be, and she also has a father that's present, wants to take all her friends on a boat or get her a nice car.
Speaker B:And so there can just be people who feel envious, jealous, and those energies are really difficult.
Speaker B:But at the end of the day, the people who belong in our life will stay and those who don't will fade away.
Speaker B:And there were periods of my life that I thought would be there forever, but it was more.
Speaker B:What really happened was they were there for me for some seasons in my life, but not my entire life.
Speaker B:Because sometimes we just grow out of like if you're a peer and you're trying to be, say you're a female and you're trying to be enough for a dominant female, and that dominant female has this father abandoned wound and didn't feel loved in that relationship, and she looks for male approval and say the female, her friend has a boyfriend or something.
Speaker B:And so now, you know, you get all this misdirection because she could be kind to the boyfriend and not kind to her friend.
Speaker C:Right, Right.
Speaker B:So, so.
Speaker B:And you know, we have people that are on teams and you might have a captain on the team, and so everyone's looking to the captain.
Speaker B:But what if the captain's not healthy?
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:What if the captain was being criticized by a parent?
Speaker B:What if the captain is choosing to project criticism on some peers and not on someone else?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So it's a deep issue, and one of which that when you're a left curve woman and you have a peer issue so often a lot of times it gets internalized.
Speaker B:And so, oh, that was hurtful what happened.
Speaker B:But now I'm going to act like I'm fine.
Speaker B:It didn't bother me at all.
Speaker B:But the truth of the matter is these things bother people because they haven't grown to see the wound and the person who's dishing it out.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:When you actually see, wow, how wounded someone is and then your expectation is within that wound they have, it's likely that they're going to transfer some of this wound on to me.
Speaker B:And it's important for us to give clarity that when it gets transferred, it's not about the person it transfers to.
Speaker C:Right?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:This is going to be so amazing for just all ages of people and just having this awareness because, I mean, people are experiencing this all day, every day.
Speaker B:Yeah, we all experience it.
Speaker B:We go to a job and we work with people that don't want to be there.
Speaker B:And maybe you do want to be there and now they're, they're sabotaging you to make you look like you're not doing it when they're not doing it, you know, so we just got to be clear that as I've stated from the very beginning of the podcast, that wound is multi generational always.
Speaker B:And it's very unusual for peers, for young kids to have mastered the awareness needed to really know how to be healthy.
Speaker B:But people shouldn't be defined by their peers and how their peers.
Speaker B:Peers see them.
Speaker B:They should be defined by how they see themselves.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:And they should see the value in themselves separate from expecting a peer to give them that validation.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:That was amazing.
Speaker C:We'll be right back.
Speaker C:Welcome back.
Speaker C:We're going to talk about preparing emotionally for a talk.
Speaker C:So, Dr. Steve, when someone is wanting to communicate something in a relationship, what are things they can do ahead of time to mentally prepare themselves?
Speaker C:Because I think sometimes when someone decides, like, I'm going to talk to my mom or dad, there's some steps that would be beneficial to take ahead of time before they just, you know, maybe call them on the phone or whatnot.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Well, I think the first step in communication is go in with the mental command that you're going to be able to communicate an issue that you're having.
Speaker B:You're going to communicate it effortlessly.
Speaker B:It's going to be received well.
Speaker B:There's going to be very little drama associated in the communication because it really helps in how you frame it.
Speaker B:If you go into it and say, oh, this is going to be a hard communication, then you're embedding into the brain the difficulty in the communication.
Speaker B:When you go into it and say, hey, this is exciting for me because in the past, I really haven't communicated within my relationships.
Speaker B:And now that I'm feeling more solid in who I am, I'm seeing my value for the first time in my life.
Speaker B:I recognize that.
Speaker B:I recognize that I am lovable.
Speaker B:I recognize the importance of loving myself.
Speaker B:I realize how I am in tune to my growth and in my awareness.
Speaker B:And so we can make our communications easier.
Speaker B:We don't have to make them hard.
Speaker B:Understand that communicating, when it is a dichotomy, that you're dealing with a person with a complete opposite behavior to yours, it can be challenging, sure.
Speaker B:But if you keep in mind that the journey is growth, that it doesn't mean that the first time you choose to communicate with a parent, it works out exactly the way you wanted it to.
Speaker B:However, it's important to stay in the process, work the process, even if it's met with resistance.
Speaker B:Learn to express.
Speaker B:Don't tie into outcome, they don't have to agree with you, they don't have to make a change in their behavior.
Speaker B:You're just expressing with them, you know, what you would like them to hear.
Speaker B:Like, for instance, say it's, you know, a daughter who wants validation from her father.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And it's, it's important for that daughter to be mindful.
Speaker B:Hey, dad, you're really important to me and I want to talk to you about some issues.
Speaker B:And what I love about you is I know you want to hear my issues and you want to help me to resolve them.
Speaker B:So I'm thankful that you're in my life and you have openness to be there when I really need you to be there.
Speaker C:I love that.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:Because if you come at even the most challenging conversations with a higher emotional intelligence and you actually come from vulnerability, not masculinity.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:And there is also some validation in there too.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But as we come from the vulnerable, it's way healthier.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:Than when we come from the masculine side.
Speaker C:Angry or angry.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So just being mindful that when you go into it that it's not always going to start out easy.
Speaker C:Sure.
Speaker B:But if you're committed, like, oh, you know, I know you love me and I know you want the best for me and I know you have concerns and I know you also have awareness and wisdom.
Speaker B:You have lived a longer life.
Speaker B:So there's some insights that can be given that could be helpful.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But I think it's all in how we come at the person.
Speaker B:If we're coming at them from a blame, shame.
Speaker B:Blame, shame, guilt, you know, a criticism and annihilation.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker B:What you need to be mindful about is when you come at someone in that kind of energy, they are going to go into denial and they're going.
Speaker C:To withdraw, not hear anything you're saying.
Speaker B:Not going to hear anything you're saying.
Speaker B:And so when you ask them, well, did you hear what I said or what I want?
Speaker B:They will say, yes, but then what?
Speaker B:But the, but then the follow up question is, well, what did you hear me say?
Speaker C:I love that question.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And then we know immediately if what I state it was heard or was it just denied.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:Because people will like, oh, I'll do that.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:I'll get that done.
Speaker B:Oh, no problem.
Speaker B:I can handle that.
Speaker B:Because they want a validation.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:But then all of a sudden, well, I thought you were going to handle this.
Speaker B:Well, handle what?
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:I'm not even sure what you wanted me to handle.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:So it's funny, it's just important to.
Speaker C:Well, it happens all the time.
Speaker B:It happens all the time because, you know, the people wanting approval from someone will do what they think will bring them that approval, but it doesn't mean they're going to do it at all.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:And so I think this is a very important subject.
Speaker B:The key element is understanding that we all have wounds inside of us and we're either open to repair them or we're going to stay asleep within them.
Speaker B:And I feel a lot of people, after studying images on X rays on people all my career, I see so many people that are not even present in their psychogenetics.
Speaker B:So in their behavioral genetics, they're not even showing up.
Speaker B:And so.
Speaker C:Right, let's talk about that.
Speaker C:Like, what does that actually, what does that mean.
Speaker B:From a, from a structural point of view?
Speaker B:If you're a male and you're in forward curve and right curve, you're in full feminine.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker B:And you're a male, but you're in full feminine.
Speaker C:Right, Right.
Speaker B:So that means you see your life through the eyes of the dominant female that maybe felt inadequate on an unconscious level, that she wasn't a male, set high standards for her son, but never was validated, so couldn't validate her son.
Speaker B:Right, yes, that kind of mechanism.
Speaker B:And so then that will make that male highly emotional, reactive, explosive, you know, that types of stuff.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:But when you're a female and you're backward in curvature, that's male.
Speaker B:Where you're, the spine's going backwards.
Speaker B:So that when we have backward curvature, we, we can see how the parent worked a lot, didn't know how to love or maybe was completely absent.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:And then if you're backward and left, that's male.
Speaker B:And then left curve is logic male.
Speaker B:So that's a female and full masculine.
Speaker B:So those two patterns are so needing the other energy to come into their reality.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So the, the woman in full masculine, it's going to attract this feminine, emotional, sensitive.
Speaker C:Right, Right.
Speaker B:Right curve man.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And the life lesson is, you know, well, I'm here to show you how to soften your heart.
Speaker B:I'm here to show you how to slow down.
Speaker B:I'm here to show you how to build on your value, how to build in your greatness.
Speaker B:But primarily, the woman in masculine attracts the man and feminine so that she can work in her vulnerability.
Speaker B:And even though she's super capable and super strong and can handle things, what happens when she says, I feel overwhelmed, I feel inadequate, I feel exhausted.
Speaker B:What happens Is the other person has an opportunity to help out.
Speaker B:But if, if that's not expressed by the woman in masculine, no one helps them.
Speaker C:Well, and eventually it does get expressed, right?
Speaker C:When.
Speaker C:Because at some point a woman exhausts herself.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:And it gets expressed so often in disease in the body.
Speaker B:Autoimmune, like fibromyalgia.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:You study ladies who have chronic fibro and they, they overdid, they over pushed, they carried massive load, they denied their energy, they, they came from a perspective of being superwoman.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:But where's the wound in that?
Speaker B:Is there a father abandonment wound?
Speaker B:Is there a belief that if they were a male, they'd be loved by their father?
Speaker B:What's the wound that causes a woman to overdo at such a level that it's setting up illness in their body?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So, you know, for, for those ladies, I'm giving them this.
Speaker B:How can I save energy in everything I do?
Speaker B:How can I operate efficiently in everything I do?
Speaker B:How can I learn to get more from the people around me?
Speaker B:Do I get more by handling it or allowing them to handle it?
Speaker B:Even if they don't do it completely?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Is it better for me to let them try and then come in and coach them what to do, or is it better for me to just come in and fix the problem?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so to me, this is a big issue that ladies are facing.
Speaker B:And if we want a healthier family dynamic, it starts with the ladies being healthier.
Speaker B:The ladies understanding that they're not superwoman, that they're, that they are an amazing woman.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:And that they have value before they do not because of everything they do.
Speaker B:And they're not valuable when they take.
Speaker B:More valuable when they take on every load and they take responsibility off every other person that could help release some of the burden alone they're carrying.
Speaker C:Well, and women, when women do that, it's, it's, it's like, well, if you offer, like, why wouldn't someone take you up on you loading up your plate?
Speaker C:You know, I mean, it's so someone might be like, sure, you know, But I also see in cases where, because I've changed this in my life, where I used to, you know, kind of sign up for everything or I overheard someone needing something, I was, I was the first one over commit, over commit.
Speaker C:And then, you know, as the date approached for whatever that commitment was, and then I'm going, oh, no.
Speaker C:You know, and as I've created some boundaries for myself, you know, and really thought about, is this something that I want to do?
Speaker C:And and does this bring me joy?
Speaker C:And am I doing it?
Speaker C:What, what am I, Why am I doing it?
Speaker C:Or is it because I want attention, validation?
Speaker C:Um, but I also, when I've chosen not to be the one to volunteer for something, it's also given the space for people to actually perform in their own life because I didn't come in to save the day.
Speaker C:And so I, if I'm looking back on my life, I, I, you know, can't help but wonder in cases where I tried to save someone from something or do something, you know, maybe it would have been a lesson for them to learn.
Speaker C:And also maybe the situation needed, maybe their partner or spouse or, you know, significant other or parent needed to actually step in.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:And I took that opportunity from them because of my wound and wanting to, you know, prove something, something to them or whatnot.
Speaker B:Well, and also, you know, your wound, that said, it doesn't matter what I accomplish or attain.
Speaker B:No one really cares.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:That was kind of your upbringing.
Speaker B:And so, you know, so now in that process that you put into words beautifully all of those, you're just learning that in that wound there, it's a wound underlying the need.
Speaker B:So there's a reason why you would do that.
Speaker B:And it was coming from some wound or something that you were hoping to gain from.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so, you know, this is a, it's a process to grow into.
Speaker B:For ladies in masculine, it's important for them to understand that if they keep taking on everything, then ultimately they're not going to be doing much of anything.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:If you've ever seen someone who had really severe chronic fatigue and they were so superhuman in their life, carrying and taking on anything that was asked, they would do it.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But then all of a sudden, when that energy has been wiped out and you've wiped out the energy reserves, okay.
Speaker B:Now all of a sudden, the person can't even hold their head up.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:And so much exhaustion.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:So what happens to the spine when that is the case?
Speaker B:Well, what we, what I've seen in the most severe cases of Epstein Barr related chronic fatigue, which would be different from chronic fatigue associated with the degenerative disease, because Epstein Barr would be a denial based fatigue.
Speaker B:So they're denying that they're vulnerable and they're denying that they, they always think they have enough energy to handle whatever load is coming.
Speaker B:And energy is something that once you wipe it out, you know, takes time to get that reserve back.
Speaker C:For sure.
Speaker C:For sure.
Speaker B:And so just learning to, how can I do what I'm getting ready do today?
Speaker B:And how can I save energy in everything I do today?
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker B:And so the first answer to how do I save the most energy in my life?
Speaker B:Is I stop looking for approval from wounded people.
Speaker C:It takes a lot of energy.
Speaker C:That takes a lot.
Speaker B:Because that's where so much energy is lost.
Speaker C:A lot.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:It's in that dynamic.
Speaker B:And so as we learn, well, that's just a program.
Speaker B:And getting approval may be a big problem because someone may give you approval and then go to your friend and talk behind your back and tell you everything opposite that they told you.
Speaker B:And it's more important to understand, are my friends healthy?
Speaker B:Have I seen when I had challenge, they stepped up for me.
Speaker B:They wanted to support me, they wanted to encourage me, they wanted to hold me up?
Speaker B:Or is my friend in my life wanting because I'm having a challenge, wanting to pull me down, wanting me to be in more hurt than the hurt I'm feeling?
Speaker B:And because it happens, the people closest to you so often are the people that want to pull you down.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:Not build you up.
Speaker B:And it's a small group of people in our life that, you know, you can count on that they're gonna.
Speaker B:When I'm down, I give them a call and they always bring me up.
Speaker C:Or even when, when recently, when I've been spending time with people, you know, it's like I. I am asking myself as I'm, you know, leaving or driving home, it's like, did that energize me?
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And it's like the most amazing feeling when you leave, like, spending time with someone and you, like, are, like, energized, you know, And.
Speaker C:And it just goes to show, like, the support that that relationship has in your life.
Speaker C:Now, if you leave and you're drained, you know, that's a.
Speaker C:Something to evaluate.
Speaker B:Oh, yes.
Speaker B:See?
Speaker B:And that's being mindful of energy.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Because if I'm going into a dynamic and I go in with energy and I leave with no energy, that's a dyn.
Speaker B:I'm in and out quicker than you can get a burger.
Speaker C:Right?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker B:So I'm going into an energy.
Speaker B:Maybe it's low vibration.
Speaker B:Maybe there.
Speaker B:It's a group that's going to be critical of others.
Speaker B:Maybe their need is to gossip about others.
Speaker B:Maybe their need is to put others down, whatever that is.
Speaker B:That's certainly not my realm.
Speaker B:That's not where I want to come from.
Speaker C:And you can exit quickly.
Speaker B:So it's like, oh, I'm taking off.
Speaker B:And they're like, well, what do you mean just got here and I said, well, I thought that we were going to have fun, that we're going to enjoy each other, that we're going to have kind things to say about others.
Speaker B:And I get over here, wow, you know, there's no kindness, there's criticism, there's a lot of gossiping, There's a lot of things going on that, you know, that's not what I'm going to give my day towards.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:And you know, it's happened many times in my life where I go, I'm ready to exit as soon as I arrived and then they say, oh, if we shift and start having fun, enjoy.
Speaker B:And yeah, I was gonna say, yeah.
Speaker B:What do people.
Speaker C:I've never, I've exited, but I've never.
Speaker B:Yeah, I mean when you, when you do express why you're exiting, you have an opportunity to influence.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker B:That process.
Speaker B:I've had it happen so many times where I just express and they're like, oh, we're gonna let that go.
Speaker B:We're just gonna have fun the rest of the.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Because they want you there.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, because I am, I'm fun.
Speaker C:Yeah, me, me too.
Speaker B:And I bring joy and I bring love and I bring light and I bring healthy vibration, but I also going to protect my vibration.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So if I'm walking into something that's just, you know, dysfunction overload, I can assure you I am out of that so quickly and happy to be going out of that.
Speaker C:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker B:Because if they're talking critically about one person.
Speaker C:Oh, they're.
Speaker B:Then they're going to talk critically about me too.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So the action would be to make it as pleasant as possible.
Speaker B:And if we can't make that situation pleasant, then, then get out of it as quickly as you can.
Speaker B:So that's why I say when someone has a difficult conversation on the phone, you don't say, oh, I'll call you and we'll get caught up.
Speaker B:You say, oh, I have 20 minutes that I can talk to you.
Speaker B:You don't have it be an open ended conversation that could be dragging you down for three hours.
Speaker B:You get in and out if it's a positive, like you and I have had conversations where we talk for hours.
Speaker B:There's no stress in it, so we can talk for hours.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:So I love that.
Speaker B:I think that, I think we have so much power to impact the relationships around us by how we choose to see ourselves and what programs we choose to come from in our life.
Speaker C:That was amazing.
Speaker C:We'll be right back.
Speaker D:This episode of the Adjusting youg Life podcast is brought to you by Ward chiropractic.
Speaker D:For over 30 years, Dr. Steve Ward has been helping people get to the root cause of their pain.
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Speaker C:Welcome back.
Speaker C:Let's talk about setting boundaries with in relationships.
Speaker B:That's the key as far as I'm concerned, within any relationship is to be prepared to set a boundary when dysfunction comes your way the first time and then every time after that.
Speaker B:It's important to learn because as we learn to set boundaries, some people are going to not take your boundary that you're setting at all and some people are going to work within it.
Speaker B:And the healthier the relationship, the more a boundary will help the relationship grow in a way that's just so much more than what they thought.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Because it's not from someone repeatedly getting away with dysfunction that causes the relationship to grow.
Speaker B:It's people realizing that there's dysfunction in both sides of it and both of them are needing to work to heal that dysfunction.
Speaker B:And, and then if there is a dichotomy and behavior, then there is a boundary that can be utilized for that other person's behavior.
Speaker B:So if it's someone who's verbal, they get a boundary.
Speaker B:If it's someone who's always emotional, they get a boundary.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And I think that's the key to have healthier relationships is one to understand that what they were taught regarding relationships was very little.
Speaker B:Like most people are not taught how to communicate.
Speaker B:Most people do not know how to communicate when something upsets them.
Speaker B:Most people don't know how to communicate when they need something from someone.
Speaker B:So we're operating in a world of people that all think they know how to communicate, but no one really knows how.
Speaker C:Right?
Speaker B:So this is a critical aspect of life is how can I communicate truth and be heard?
Speaker B:How can I communicate truth and see something evolve?
Speaker B:Or how can I communicate in a way that allows both parties to grow, because it's really through growth.
Speaker B:That's so exciting.
Speaker B:Like when I can be criticized by a woman and not be triggered emotionally at all.
Speaker B:What did that teach me?
Speaker B:Hit me with your best shot.
Speaker B:It's not going to trigger in me this.
Speaker B:Lots of regulation, right?
Speaker C:What would.
Speaker C:Okay, so say, say a child wanted to maybe boundary a parent, that when they speak to them they tend to be critical.
Speaker C:What is something that they could, some verbiage they could say in that situation.
Speaker B:I would teach the kids to say to bring it back to love, that I'm worth loving even when so and so is critical of me.
Speaker B:And I'm going to stick with my purpose of loving myself.
Speaker B:Because when someone's critical, they are coming from fear, not love.
Speaker B:So they're passing on a program that they inherited or learned.
Speaker C:So is.
Speaker C:So say for example, the dad's coming from fear.
Speaker C:Is there.
Speaker C:Could, could someone say, you know, what are you afraid of?
Speaker C:Is that it?
Speaker C:Or.
Speaker B:Well, it's just so difficult because you're trying to make a comment to someone who might be fully asleep.
Speaker B:Okay, so I think, I think the best way to address it is more being healthy within you and know who you are separate from the parent role.
Speaker B:Like obviously we all want our parents to validate us and encourage us and uplift us and celebrate us and tell us how amazing we are.
Speaker B:And that is a great fantasy.
Speaker B:And there are parents on this planet that are doing that, but it's usually not what's happening.
Speaker B:And for the people that are out there and they're wanting a wounded person to be healthy, start by being healthy, a healthy example, separate from them.
Speaker B:So my parent might be critical of me and I can hear what they have to say.
Speaker B:But in the same breath, I know who I am, I know how valuable I am and I know that I began to master love for me.
Speaker B:And in mastering love for me, I can take an insight from someone.
Speaker B:It maybe will fit, it maybe won't.
Speaker B:If it doesn't fit, I have a program and plan as to how I'm going to deal with that.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:I'm not going to like most people do.
Speaker B:Most people, they have put this expectation on their parent and their parent doesn't have a clue.
Speaker B:And, and then it doesn't work out well because you know that expectation.
Speaker B:What is an expectation?
Speaker B:Something that has been fulfilled.
Speaker B:So it's already coming from a letdown.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So I think it's better to prep yourself for the critical minded, for the wounded people and, and understand that oh, when someone's critical this is what I do and this is what I don't do.
Speaker B:So if someone's critical, I don't just naturally say, oh, I'm going to annihilate myself because I just got annihilated by this person.
Speaker C:Sure.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker B:My brain's going to say, well, am I the first time it's this the first time this person's ever been critical of me?
Speaker B:Well, no.
Speaker B:Okay, so this is perpetual pattern.
Speaker B:I'm going to realize that that pattern is before me, not because of me.
Speaker B:And these things always will work if you take a moment and you just realize what your goal is, is you want what everyone wants.
Speaker B:I wanted my parents to know how to be healthy without any training on how to get there.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And, you know, I'm a way healthier person in my life, so I could be healthier to kids than ever before.
Speaker B:And so, so much of my growth has been to do it differently than what I inherited.
Speaker B:And so to me, the power is always in.
Speaker B:Are we going to give weight to something or are we not going to give weight to something?
Speaker B:And the basic rule is, if it's coming from a generational fear, projection is something you should not give weight to too.
Speaker B:You can hear it like I hear you saying that you think I could do this this way.
Speaker B:Okay, well, thank you for that.
Speaker B:That's something I will consider.
Speaker B:I appreciate that.
Speaker B:But I'm not going to give weight to the wound in someone and what they have projected and transferred their whole life.
Speaker B:I'm just not going to do that.
Speaker C:Sure.
Speaker B:And so, and I think if you're young and you're around peers that are hard on you, you need to understand that you're going to weather the storm, that your whole life you're going to be set up with people around you that are coming from their wounds and they want to take you down or impact you because someone's impacted them in a negative way.
Speaker B:And in those dynamics, you can be ready for them and you can be prepared with what you're going to do and, and you're going to be prepared with, hey, my identity strong and I see value in me and I, I see I'm worth loving and you know, I give my best intention and I have so many things to celebrate in my life, I'm going to take them a moment.
Speaker B:Every time I give my best intention to something, I'm going to learn to celebrate rather than go outside of myself and expect someone who's never even celebrated one day of their life.
Speaker B:We're going to celebrate, celebrate My victory, it's not likely to occur.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:So let's talk about the relationship, let's say with like a daughter in law and a mother in law.
Speaker B:Oh.
Speaker C:And there's challenges in that relationship that I'm sure some of our audience experiences.
Speaker C:And I think sometimes it ends up with, you know, the wife talking to the husband, wanting the husband to talk to the mom in that dysfunction that occurs.
Speaker C:And I'm wondering if there's, if there's a way in a, you know, something, a way that the daughter in law could communicate with her mother in law that could establish a boundary in a, in a respectful, loving, kind, warm way.
Speaker B:Well, so much of that process really goes back to the male.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker B:Because if the male realizes one that maybe approval was withheld from the mom to the son.
Speaker B:So there's this natural addiction to be enough for the mom.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:That the son has, the son has.
Speaker B:This, this need to be enough for his mother.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:But the mother really didn't know, didn't receive it, and didn't know how to validate the son.
Speaker B:So that's where you're getting into a lot of the problems because a lot of those men are still wanting their mother's approval.
Speaker B:And that desire to have approval from the mother that isn't in a place to give it will then impact that male to try to be enough for both wife and mother.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:So he won't want to play the, like the referee between the two.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:And, and the root of the greatest dysfunctions would be if you have two strong women that maybe their fathers wanted sons so they feel inadequate unconsciously.
Speaker B:They're not a male, they have a need for male approval.
Speaker B:So the mom wants son's approval that the wife wants son's approval.
Speaker B:But the two females don't need each other's approval.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:They're both male approval.
Speaker C:Right, Right.
Speaker B:So it really.
Speaker C:And in that, in that dynamic, sometimes I feel like that the, the wife wants the husband in that situation, like stand up for her, for example, to, to his mom, of course.
Speaker C:But in, in the thought that that means that she's the most important.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Well, because it's all surrounding wound.
Speaker B:The man that didn't feel loved and validated, encouraged and enough for his mom goes into a relationship with that baggage.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And then what's that man attracting?
Speaker B:So often that emotional man's attracting the non emotional woman so didn't get the love, validation, encouragement, approval that they needed from their fathers.
Speaker C:So it's coming out in a situation where then they think like, oh, my husband's going to stand up to his mom, and that's going to mean that I'm the most important and I'm valuable and.
Speaker C:But that's not.
Speaker C:That's actually not what that means.
Speaker B:But the truth is, it's like, hey, mom, you know, my whole life I've needed to be enough for you, but I've tried to be enough for you over and over.
Speaker B:And no matter what I did, I never really felt like I was enough for you.
Speaker C:You.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So this is an issue I have with you.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So I'm no longer coming to you with a need for approval from you.
Speaker B:I'm.
Speaker B:I'm going to continue to master self approval.
Speaker B:So I.
Speaker B:You're off the hook.
Speaker B:I'm not in this fantasy thinking that one day you're going to validate me.
Speaker B:I'm fully expecting that.
Speaker B:Like you have done my whole life, our whole relationship, you have been better at negating me than validating me.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So there needs to be that separation.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:Because so many of these women have had traumatizing marriages and they've had unhealthy male experiences and they have impacted their son to be dependent upon them.
Speaker B:So it's an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:And so it's like, hey, mom, you know, it's really important to me that you're.
Speaker B:I'll bring up an example.
Speaker C:Sure.
Speaker B:Like, I said to.
Speaker B:I was dating this one gal and I said to my mom, what, do you want to meet her?
Speaker B:My mom said, well, yeah, I'd like to meet her to see if I want to vote her into our family.
Speaker B:So I say to her, well, no, mom, you just lost.
Speaker B:If you can't be kind and loving and generous and supportive to her, then you don't get a meter.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And then what did my mom do?
Speaker B:She was just amazing and supportive and kind.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So when we learn to boundary off the dysfunction in the parent, it will help our relationship.
Speaker B:But when we also.
Speaker B:You make it clear that there's a dichotomy playing out.
Speaker B:So there's work that the wife needs to do, too.
Speaker C:Let's talk.
Speaker C:Yes, let's talk about that.
Speaker C:So what can she do?
Speaker B:Well, the wife can be very conscious that there are some wounds that weren't repaired and that it is absolutely not her partner's responsibility to repair them.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:That's number one.
Speaker B:If you're going to have a healthy relationship, stay out of the generational wound because you're playing in a.
Speaker B:You're playing a game.
Speaker B:You can't win.
Speaker B:If you're coming from multi generational dysfunction, you're never going to win in your relationship.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:And you're also not.
Speaker C:I think it's so in that, in that scenario, like even if the husband was to, you know, stand up to his mom with.
Speaker C:I think a lot of women are looking for their husbands to do to like say in their mind, they think it's like, oh, that I'm the most important or I'm valuable.
Speaker C:That the truth is that because they have, the value has to come from within them because otherwise weeks will pass and they're going to want it again and again and again and it's going to be this insatiable thing that the husband can never stand up to his mom enough for that woman to feel like she's enough.
Speaker B:Yeah, that is so true.
Speaker B:That's why navigating in generational wound is such a problem.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So once given tools like my mom has been amazing with the ladies I've attracted to my life, but I had to show her how.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:But I also think it's important that we both realize the wounds that we're coming in with that we're working on them that we know.
Speaker B:Like, it's not hard to look at yourself and give a true account where you're doing well and where you may have challenges and the things that you're doing well.
Speaker B:Maybe you don't need to work at so much, but the places you're having challenges is exactly where the work needs to be done.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:And, and just being able to express, hey mom, you know, I have a wife and she's the mother of my kids and she's super important to me and I really need you to understand that we've had our relationship and we've had our time and we're going to, I'm going to keep being your son, but the relationship, it's changing.
Speaker B:And now I'm a grown up man and in my grown up in being a grown up man, I need to take care of my wife and my kids.
Speaker B:And if you have wounds inside of you that were not repaired and we've had all this journey together and it has been repaired, maybe I'm not the solution to repair that wound in you.
Speaker B:Maybe you could look for someone who is better suited to repair that wound because we're always jumping into something where we think we are capable repairing someone's.
Speaker C:Wound or even looking to herself to, to, to work on that.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:So, so, but to me, just look at yourself, honestly, look at what patterns of behavior are comfortable.
Speaker B:Look at how you can rewrite each one of those behavioral codes for your life.
Speaker B:Look at how you can step up and be a non emotional communicator.
Speaker B:So if you're a male and you need to have a communication with your mom, you're not reacting, you're not exploding, you're not being abusive with your emotions.
Speaker B:You're just solid and you just hey, you know, Wound inside you was not repaired before.
Speaker B:You have me.
Speaker B:It's not my job to repair that wound inside of you, it's your job to do so.
Speaker B:But it's my job to have a healthy family dynamic and I am the leader of this family.
Speaker B:And so it's important to me that that my family and I am able to communicate in a healthy way.
Speaker C:Right?
Speaker C:Thank you for joining us on today's episode of the Adjusting youg Life Podcast.
Speaker C:To view the show notes, please visit adjustingyourlifepodcast.com and we will see you next time.
Speaker A:This is a broadcast of the Adjusting your Life podcast produced by by Adjusted Life Media.
Speaker A:All information contained in this episode and all other content provided on this channel is for informational and entertainment purposes only.
Speaker A:This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
Speaker A:If you or someone you know is experiencing a medical emergency, please contact your local emergency services.
Speaker A:Dr. Stephen M. Ward, D.C. is a board board certified doctor of chiropractic medicine licensed in the State of California, county of Los Angeles.
Speaker A:The Adjusting youg Life Podcast is written and produced by Executive Producer Jamie Knapp and co produced by Kennedy hall and Dr. Steven Ward as Dr. Steve.
Speaker A:For more information or to connect with us, visit adjustingyourlifepodcast.com.
