Adjusting Your Life Podcast Ep 113: Why Are You Attracting Who You are Attracting
Attraction within interpersonal relationships is a complex phenomenon influenced by our internal narratives, as explored in this insightful episode. The discussion begins with an examination of the behavioral codes that guide our relational choices, suggesting that we are often drawn to partners who resonate with our ingrained patterns—patterns shaped by both inherited and learned behaviors.
This segment urges listeners to reflect upon their own histories and recognize how past experiences and wounds can significantly impact their current relationship dynamics. By understanding the roots of these patterns, individuals can begin to unravel the complexities of their attractions. As the conversation progresses, the hosts delve into the critical role of self-image in shaping who we attract. It is posited that our self-perception directly influences our relational choices; those with a negative self-image may seek validation from partners who mirror their insecurities, thereby perpetuating cycles of unhealthy attraction.
The last segment underscores the importance of cultivating a positive self-image, as it empowers individuals to attract healthier relationships that align with their true selves. The discussion highlights self-awareness and introspection as vital tools for facilitating this transformation, enabling individuals to break free from detrimental patterns. In the concluding segment, the episode addresses the necessity of breaking the cycle of unhealthy attraction through conscious efforts and healing. The hosts advocate for open communication and the establishment of healthy boundaries in relationships, emphasizing that past wounds must be acknowledged and addressed to foster genuine connections.
By engaging in this transformative process, individuals can learn to navigate their relationships with greater clarity and compassion. This episode serves as a profound reminder of the interconnectedness between our internal landscapes and the external relationships we forge, inviting listeners to embark on a journey of self-exploration and relational growth.
Takeaways:
- Recognizing the patterns in our relationships reveals the underlying behavioral codes we operate under.
- Self-image plays a critical role in attraction, influencing the types of individuals we draw into our lives.
- Breaking the cycle of unhealthy attraction requires conscious awareness and the willingness to address our past wounds.
- To attract healthier relationships, it is imperative to repair the emotional wounds that inform our current behaviors.
- Each person's behavioral code, often inherited from familial relationships, dictates the patterns we repeat in love and attraction.
- The process of self-discovery and emotional regulation is essential in creating fulfilling and balanced relationships.
Transcript
This program is for informational, educational and entertainment purposes only.
Speaker A:The information provided in this podcast reflects the opinions and experiences of the hosts and is not medical or mental health advice.
Speaker A:Always consult a qualified healthcare professional regarding any questions about your health or well being.
Speaker A:If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, contact your local emergency services.
Speaker A:And it would trigger me back then because I have this wound that occurred in my life a long time ago and it was a wound that manipulated my dominance.
Speaker A:And our code will tell us what we're going to attract.
Speaker A:But then that's just where the story begins.
Speaker A:Everyone has behavioral code that is running their life.
Speaker A:Most of us are in inherited behavioral code or learned behaviors.
Speaker B:Welcome to the Adjusting youg Life podcast.
Speaker B:I'm Kennedy and I'm here with Dr. Steve.
Speaker B:This is episode 113 why you're attracting who you're attracting.
Speaker A:This episode of the Adjusting youg Life podcast is brought to you by Ward Chiropractic.
Speaker A:Dr. Steve finds what most doctors miss and his wall adjustment technique.
Speaker A:It can bring fast relief.
Speaker A:Check out chiroman.com for hours location and to contact the clinic.
Speaker A:That's Chiroman C H I R o m a n.com so Dr. Steve, this.
Speaker B:Is an exciting episode.
Speaker B:I'm excited for it and I think our audience will also be excited because there's so many questions around relationships and you know, there's times when people, I think, wonder how they attracted the person that they attracted.
Speaker B:And so in my life with my previous relationship, which we can talk about and you also knew him, so you have that reference point, you know, it.
Speaker B:He introduced us and we talked about that on one of the episodes and you know, didn't necessarily realize the gift that you had, I think.
Speaker B:And as our relationships evolved and you know, we spent a lot of time with coaching and stuff like that in the early times of, of our relationship.
Speaker B:You know, my boyfriend at the time would tell me not to tell you our problems that we had and, and I told him, you know, you already knew, knew what those were just from knowing my pattern and then his pattern as well.
Speaker B:And you will really helpful in helping me navigate through some challenges.
Speaker B:So what I want to do is talk about, you know, my curvature, his curvature and even we can talk about the challenges that you saw in our relationship and because I think that's going to help people that are.
Speaker B:That are listening and so yeah.
Speaker B:So what would you say about, you know, just initially after you met me and then seeing kind of the issues that we could potentially have?
Speaker A:Well, everyone has behavioral code that is running their life.
Speaker A:Most of us are in inherited behavioral code or learned behaviors.
Speaker A:So it's very easy to attract a similar pattern over and over.
Speaker A:So I've attracted to my life over and over firstborn females, right?
Speaker A:And then in the rare case that it wasn't a firstborn female, it was a female following female.
Speaker A:So why would I attract that same pattern?
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:Why do you attract the patterns you attract?
Speaker A:So it goes into this behavioral code that we're not really conscious of.
Speaker A:And what this show is about is to bring conscious awareness to people so they can see their life from a different set of eyes, right?
Speaker A:So with you and your partner at that time, both being right curvature, but also you're backward in curvature, which is strong, you take on loads, you handle burdens, you become the person who is the person can rely on you.
Speaker A:But the fact that both of you were right curvature is a significant issue.
Speaker A:Because he would see what he was doing was right and you would see what you were doing was right.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker A:Where you weren't seeing what he was doing is right, he maybe wasn't seeing what you were doing is right.
Speaker A:But when operating together, you're both been programmed with this program of if you do it, do it right kind of thing.
Speaker A:And it doesn't like always come from parents, right?
Speaker A:So teachers, coaches, whatever it is.
Speaker A:But in any event, when you do understand that there's two right curvatures playing out, what happens so often is people get upset because the right curvature person gets triggered by a feeling of inadequacy.
Speaker A:So the minute they feel inadequate, they're operating some trigger, right?
Speaker A:And then what do you see so often?
Speaker A:Oh, they want to run away.
Speaker A:You know, they get upset and they're going to run away.
Speaker A:And because that's where the backward curve came into play with both of you, which is more of the male parent absence.
Speaker A:And so.
Speaker A:But when inadequacy is triggered, how easy it is for someone to then want to just run away from the relationship.
Speaker A:Why?
Speaker A:Because they have a rude abandonment that's occurring.
Speaker A:So it's so important when we are looking at relationships, just those two factors are an issue.
Speaker A:And then just be mindful that when a man's right curve, he's used to more of a female influence.
Speaker A:So that man says, oh, I'm attracting this really capable, amazing, strong, powerful person and I'm going to let her do everything.
Speaker A:You'll let her handle all the financial load, going to handle all the burdens.
Speaker A:And I really, you know, don't want to do it.
Speaker A:I just Want someone else to do it.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Which becomes a problem in any relationship because, you know, why would I attract a strong female?
Speaker A:Because my mom was very dominant and very strong, and that's what I grew up into.
Speaker A:That's what I experienced over and over.
Speaker A:And so it's very natural for me to attract more of a woman in masculine.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Which commonly the women I've attracted were backward and left, where it's backward and right.
Speaker A:So it's a little different.
Speaker A:But the backward curve is a person that's used to handling load and denying her own needs, denying what's important to her.
Speaker A:So like you might have expressed to him, well, it's important to me that you don't drink.
Speaker B:Right, right, right.
Speaker A:But in his situation, it's important to him that he does drink.
Speaker A:And so there is the conflict.
Speaker A:But then when you look at the drinking aspect of his problem, there was backward curve.
Speaker A:So inherited addiction, inherited abandonment, inherited addiction.
Speaker A:And so it's just interesting how two people can attract one another and how in his mind he attracted this really capable woman that could handle all of his issues and all of his problems.
Speaker A:But no matter what you could handle for him, you couldn't get him to not drink.
Speaker A:So you can handle every aspect.
Speaker A:But so often that's even coming behind him and trying to make up for his own inadequacies in handling things.
Speaker A:But we are all given a behavioral code and our code will tell us what we're going to attract.
Speaker A:But then that's just where the story begins.
Speaker A:As we learn that those behaviors in us are multi generational and we learn how to begin to communicate, how to begin to share how I'm feeling, share the importance of someone really being mindful of what's important to me.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And also be mindful that we are two people that came from generational wound and we have an opportunity because we're attracted to one another and we're in this relationship and we're trying to work through some of this wounding.
Speaker A:Because if you never have a relationship, how do you work through the wounding?
Speaker A:By learning how to boundary in various things.
Speaker A:So that's why it's so important that even in the relationships that are not that great, that you realize, well, it could get greater if you just leave the wound that occurred before you met the person out of the relationship, your relationship will be tremendously improved.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:So, but I do think understanding code, it gives us wisdom is why, oh, I attracted one first born female, then I attracted another, then I attracted another, then 10 down the road I'm still attracting the same.
Speaker A:And, you know, why is that pattern occurring?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:And again, I think when studying structure, there are a lot of men that are emotionally dominant that are more influenced by mothers.
Speaker A:And there's a lot of women that were influenced by their fathers that were absent.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Their fathers that worked a lot, or their fathers that didn't know how to love, or maybe the father, they didn't know how to boundary off the dominant mother.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Which was my situation, which is why I.
Speaker B:We've touched on this too.
Speaker B:But in, in the relationships that I've had, there's.
Speaker B:There.
Speaker B:It starts out, yes, I can handle all this.
Speaker B:And because previously my value was tied to handling things and what I could do, what I could bring to.
Speaker B:To the relationship.
Speaker B:And so.
Speaker B:But at some point, like, you know, I would hit a wall, and then, you know, no one wants to see me hit a wall.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Because then I became reactive.
Speaker B:And then I would speak in a high tone and, you know, give my list of everything that I've done.
Speaker A:The verbal.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:And no one wants, like, you know, and I'm so proud of myself for working through these things because that was a pattern that I kept repeating in a lot of my relationships.
Speaker B:And definitely something that, you know, I saw with my mom and dad.
Speaker B:And what's interesting now, when I was just saying that is I haven't actually had a relationship where someone boundaried me, and I probably would have, like, I needed that, you know, in a, in a way that was like.
Speaker B:Low tone.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Firm, you know, and loving.
Speaker B:There's a way, I think, to communicate to a woman when, you know, you know, I, I.
Speaker B:There were times I was definitely unhinged for sure.
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker B:And it was like all my wound coming out, you know, and so, you know, just working through those things and then, and then obviously that authoritative parent, you know, we saw with my relationship with my daughter too, you know, High tone.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Frustration and, you know, so.
Speaker B:And even there were things that I would, I would do, and I've changed.
Speaker B:I'm also proud of this, is that when you're coming from a place of feeling like you have to do something to earn something, then there's like a, you know, you know, kind of keeping score a little bit.
Speaker B:And, and then when I tried to, when I, as we've been, you know, coach, you've coached me, I was able to determine, like, what was the reason I was doing something.
Speaker B:And, like, did it bring me joy, which was.
Speaker B:That has really helped me a lot.
Speaker B:And then even with my daughter you know, there was this time where I like ordered some Nikes for her and I was like super excited.
Speaker B:I thought they were very cool and stuff.
Speaker B:And she had, she said to me, well, I didn't ask you to or whatever.
Speaker B:And I was like, really?
Speaker B:Like, you know, but I realized like, I mean, yeah, I under, I understood what, you know, I was having an expectation of her and in terms of like how she was going to react to something that I did for her.
Speaker B:And so.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:Removing that from like our relationship has helped.
Speaker B:Has helped for sure.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:But you know, in terms of the patterning, I've also attracted similar people that I've worked for.
Speaker B:So not just in a romantic relationship, but in an employment relationship.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Because that pattern is so in you and you are such a self starter.
Speaker A:You are very self committed.
Speaker A:You, you are able to do incredible things within your professional life.
Speaker A:You have grown into awareness that you're very good at it.
Speaker A:But again, there's a pattern that's always playing out.
Speaker A:And that pattern is if you attract a male into your energy, most likely the male is going to be more mother influence.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And they're going to be more sensitive, they're going to be more emotional, they can be more reactive.
Speaker A:So that's why if your tone is lower and you're.
Speaker A:And you're not verbal.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Because that's what the message should be.
Speaker A:You know, if you're a female and you have difficulty when you get upset regulating your words, you need to realize that that inability to regulate your words, it's an inherited program that has been experienced.
Speaker A:And the biggest issue with not regulating your words is you're taking wound and hurt that has been there so long in your life, before the relationship, before the relationships.
Speaker A:And you're making it as if the reason why it's coming out is because of what that person's doing.
Speaker A:But the truth of the matter is that program is a womb before you meet who works with you or who is attracted to you.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker A:And that's why the directive should be.
Speaker A:If you're comfortable becoming verbal or authoritative or going into high tone or yelling, screaming, whatever it is, your directive should be, at no point in this process will I allow myself to become verbally abusive to another person.
Speaker A:That's where emotional intelligence comes into play.
Speaker A:Because unless you take a hard look at it and say, no, I have done that, and that came from wound every time.
Speaker A:And every time I did that, I didn't really feel good about it.
Speaker A:It's not something that I feel good about.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:It's something that after the fact, you might feel poorly about it.
Speaker B:Yeah, I did.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Just like the male that wants your validation and gets your criticism, and then it triggers in the mail inadequacy and then they react emotionally.
Speaker A:Right, right.
Speaker A:Like, I did that with a relationship where she would withhold and that would trigger me some rude abandonment.
Speaker A:Then I want to let her know emotionally how I felt.
Speaker A:But she wasn't even capable of hearing it.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Because she was in such a non emotional structural pattern.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So, yeah, so let's talk about that.
Speaker B:So when you were emotional with her.
Speaker A:She would cut off.
Speaker B:There was no benefit to you?
Speaker A:Yeah, she would cut off communication.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:So I'd say, oh, I'm hurt by this.
Speaker A:And then she wouldn't talk to me.
Speaker B:Right, right, right.
Speaker A:And then that would trigger in me some.
Speaker A:Some root wound, and then I would feel a need to repair it and get it back.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:Did you, at those moments, were you wanting to also, like, talk about what you had done for her in the relationship?
Speaker A:Well, yes.
Speaker A:I have always been a person who has given in relationships.
Speaker A:I do bodywork and I adjust and I coach and I give and I.
Speaker A:And maybe even help with economics and various things.
Speaker A:So I've always been that person.
Speaker A:But it was like, you know, it's interesting because one year I had given so much to this person that I was with, and I helped her with some debt and I helped her with some clients, and I, you know, helped her with her child.
Speaker A:And, you know, and, you know, here I gave and gave and gave.
Speaker A:And then when Christmas came around, she didn't even give me a card.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And I bought her like a $3,000 present, you know.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:So it was just really interesting.
Speaker A:And it would trigger me back then because I had this wound that occurred in my life a long time ago, and it was a wound that manipulated my dominance.
Speaker A:And so what happened was that really messed me up.
Speaker A:It was.
Speaker A:There was a time in my life that I raised empathy for a situation and I lowered dominance.
Speaker A:And then from that point forward, I would seek out the most wounded woman and I'd hit her dysfunction with empathy.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And it just never, never worked out.
Speaker A:Never worked out.
Speaker A:But this is the beauty of growth, because as I learned that, I was manipulated to have high empathy.
Speaker A:So when I have my empathy assessed, they're like, you're a 99% empath.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And so what's the advice for the 99% empath?
Speaker A:You should never raise empathy.
Speaker A:You're so high empathy.
Speaker A:You should never raise empathy.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So what should you do?
Speaker A:Well, what.
Speaker A:What I had always done up to that point was when dysfunction hit my life, I would hit it with empathy.
Speaker A:So it would be.
Speaker A:Someone would have a major problem.
Speaker A:They'd be upset, verbal, critical, lock down their tongue.
Speaker A:And I am.
Speaker A:What can I do to help?
Speaker A:How can I fix it?
Speaker A:How can I save you?
Speaker A:How can I change that?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And wow, you know, never works.
Speaker A:It never works.
Speaker A:If you're out there and your program has been to hit female dysfunction with empathy, all you're gonna do is get wounded in that process because it never works.
Speaker A:What we need to understand on empathy is, is it reciprocal?
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker A:Is there reciprocity?
Speaker A:I can have empathy for you say, oh, my back hurts.
Speaker A:Oh, let me work in your back.
Speaker A:But then if I come to you, oh, my back hurts.
Speaker A:And you're like, well, you have massage therapists, right?
Speaker B:So what's.
Speaker B:What is.
Speaker B:What's the pattern in a woman that would lack empathy?
Speaker A:Well, they're more masculine than they are in feminine.
Speaker A:If it's a woman in full feminine, they're going to be high empath.
Speaker A:Okay, Right.
Speaker A:Their pattern is going to be, oh, there's dysfunction here.
Speaker A:What can I do to fix it?
Speaker A:How can I change it?
Speaker A:How can I take on the load?
Speaker A:How can I burden it?
Speaker A:How can I take that burden off the person?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And so it's so important to understand that when you are a high empath, that there was a wound that occurred.
Speaker A:In my case, my.
Speaker A:We've discussed this, but my dad left my mom, and then my brother died of cancer, and then my sister, mom, you know, they struggle because they're both very strong females.
Speaker A:And so she moved out.
Speaker A:Then I came into the home and saw my mom crying, which I had never seen my mom really crying.
Speaker A:So it really messed me up in my.
Speaker A:In my life.
Speaker A:And it.
Speaker A:And when that happened, I raised empathy.
Speaker A:And from that point forward, the most wounded woman I could attract, I would attract, and I would hit their dysfunction with empathy.
Speaker A:And that's just not me today.
Speaker A:I am not that guy today.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And I don't want to be that guy.
Speaker A:I'm a very high empath.
Speaker A:I very much care about people, and I want to heal people.
Speaker A:I want to give to people, people.
Speaker A:But when dysfunction comes my way, I am programmed now to hit that dysfunction with the boundary.
Speaker A:So it might be someone, oh, I have this problem.
Speaker A:I don't say, this what I can do to help you.
Speaker A:This how I can fix it.
Speaker A:I say, what can you do to help you?
Speaker A:How can you fix this problem.
Speaker A:And they'll say, I don't know.
Speaker A:And I'll say, well, you know, if I came to you with this narrative, what would you say?
Speaker A:And I would give them opportunity to find a way to help themselves instead of rob them of their power.
Speaker B:Yeah, I think that that probably would have worked for me.
Speaker B:That would have.
Speaker B:I mean, that would have been something that would have been effective.
Speaker B:I think the conversations we were having when, when I was burdening myself and taking on all the load, and then, you know, eventually, you know, you know, resenting it.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Because then that's part of.
Speaker B:Part of it taking on so much and then like resenting the person and then blaming them for that, you know, And I, I think it's important.
Speaker B:It wasn't that I was like it as we've been doing the coaching, it became about what I could change in me, not what was wrong in the other person and, or in any of the relationships I've had.
Speaker B:I, I didn't want to because I think it's easy to try to point out the wrong in someone else or what you think.
Speaker B:And, and it.
Speaker B:I moved beyond that and just really wanted to figure out, okay, so what in me is attracting this pattern and what can I change in me so that I attract different pattern.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And that could be as simple as communicating that story.
Speaker A:This, what I calmly attract.
Speaker A:This is what I commonly do.
Speaker A:And I'm really learning that that's not what I should be doing.
Speaker A:So I'm not here to take on your problems.
Speaker A:I'm not here to carry your financial burden.
Speaker A:I'm not here to take away your responsibility.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:I'm a person that works hard.
Speaker A:I'm a person who makes money.
Speaker A:I'm also a person that in the past, it's been easy for me to take on someone else's problems.
Speaker A:But now in my life, I know that the true power is in giving the person opportunity to work through their problem, not rob them of their problem that they have.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Or even like my value being in taking that problem that, you know, I don't, I don't have that where I, I find value, where my value is tied to what I could take from.
Speaker B:From someone else.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Well, and that's like me as a doctor, I deal with so many people, and so many people have never taken care of themselves.
Speaker A:And so they come in and so they're attracted to my empathy.
Speaker A:But I want them to understand that the result that they get is about their awareness and how much they're aware of the Dysfunction that's creating the problem that they're experiencing.
Speaker A:And that to come to me with a fantasy that just through a simple adjustment, I'm going to unlock all these problems that really need to be looked at within themselves.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Like I had to look at what my issues were and how I need to repair them and so they could be different for me.
Speaker A:And that's all of our job.
Speaker A:Our job is to understand we have wounds and understand they're generational and understand most programs that run our life were programs we learned from someone.
Speaker A:And so now we're going to take new skills into our life, our personal life.
Speaker A:We're going to master self love, we're going to master self validation, self encouragement, we're going to master self approval, we're going to master like for me, how can I communicate non emotionally.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And if it's a verbal abuser, how can I communicate without being abusive verbally?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:We'll be right back.
Speaker B:Welcome back.
Speaker B:We're going to talk about how the role of self image impacts who you attract.
Speaker B:So Dr. Steve, how does someone, the way someone feels about themselves influence who they attract?
Speaker B:You know, energetically is probably.
Speaker A:Well, I think this is the biggest problem as to why so many relationships fail is they are not repairing the wounds inside of them before they attract.
Speaker A:Like I'm way healthier inside of me than I've ever been in my life.
Speaker A:So I different with my relationships than I've ever been in my life.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So but it starts with that realization that wounds inside of me is not the person's job who I attract to heal for me.
Speaker A:That's number one rule.
Speaker A:And that's where so many people have a problem because they were programmed with the program we've discussed.
Speaker A:If you do it, do it right, which naturally makes you look for outside approval.
Speaker A:So it's oh, when I do it right, you're going to validate me.
Speaker A:But then you go to someone who's never validated, never learned to self validate and they cannot give you that validation.
Speaker A:They give you a negation.
Speaker A:So but as we begin the process through awareness, we start with, okay, I have wounds inside of me that are not resolved and it's chances are good that I'm going to attract someone who has wounds inside of them that they're not resolved.
Speaker A:Most people are not awake enough to see the wounds inside of them.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And so now we're jumping off into the fantasy that says this person who never had the wounds resolved will resolve my wounds.
Speaker A:Well, what's the chances right so we stay out of that completely.
Speaker A:We realize, okay, I'm not putting my wounded story on you, and you're not putting your wounded story on me.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:I'm sorry that you've had maybe a father, abandonment, maybe you have.
Speaker A:Have had many unhealthy male relationships before.
Speaker A:But that story is in.
Speaker A:Your wound is not really about me.
Speaker A:If you make it about me, then you're saying I'm the same as the before you.
Speaker A:Which we see this all the time.
Speaker A:You have mothers that are verbally abusive to their husbands, and then they separate or divorce, and then the kids hear it over and over and over, both ways.
Speaker A:The father abusing mother, mother abusing the father.
Speaker A:And then is there any reason why they would attract differently.
Speaker A:They attract the wound that they've experienced.
Speaker A:So it's natural for a woman that has its wounds inside of them to want to verbally abuse the person they're with.
Speaker A:But is it about the person?
Speaker A:That's the thing that needs to be acknowledged.
Speaker A:It really isn't.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:But a strong identity is that you see your value, that you recognize that you're worth loving, that you're committed to the love process within yourself, that you're committed to new behaviors such as, I'm going to be kind to myself, not critical of myself, or I'm going to not personalize everything that comes from a wounded person.
Speaker A:Just because someone's wounded and they're projecting their wound my way doesn't mean I need to bite.
Speaker A:There's so many things that before I would have bitten on, but now in my life, I'm just like, you know, is there openness to receive?
Speaker A:Is there openness?
Speaker A:If I give an insight, are they going to work on it?
Speaker A:Do they have zero desire to work on it?
Speaker A:If the answers to these questions are there's no desire to work on it, why would I give a bunch of energy towards it if the person is not even open to receiving?
Speaker B:Well, you could start out if you were just meeting someone with, asking them, when is the last time you told yourself you loved yourself?
Speaker B:That would, that would be a good opener.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And don't be shocked when they say never.
Speaker A:Right, Right.
Speaker A:And then you could ask them, well, tell me about your relationship with your father.
Speaker A:Oh, tell me about your relationship with your mother.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Oh, well, you know, my father wasn't ever around.
Speaker A:Red flag.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker A:Or, oh, my mother was very critical and very dominant.
Speaker A:Red flag.
Speaker A:Right, Right.
Speaker A:How have you healed those wounds that you received from your mother, who was dominant and verbal and your Father who was more passive.
Speaker B:Great question, right?
Speaker B:No, I don't think anyone's asking that question.
Speaker A:It is a good question.
Speaker B:That's a great question.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:That's one for everyone to write down.
Speaker A:Well, because again, if we can identify these misdirections, you can have so much more enjoyment in your relationships.
Speaker A:Is it not about fixing all your problems in your relationship?
Speaker A:It's about realizing, oh, I'm going to do it differently in this relationship.
Speaker A:I'm not going to do it the same way.
Speaker A:I'm not going to be the person who takes on the load and then be verbal and resentful to the person who's allowing me to take on the road.
Speaker A:No, no.
Speaker A:We're in a relationship.
Speaker A:Both parties need to mutually share in the load.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:I'm, I've had the mistake of carrying too much load in the past, and then it's led me to be resentful or critical and, and then I realized, well, that was me choosing that narrative.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker A:So all we need to do is be willing to do it a little differently.
Speaker A:Leave our wounds out of the picture.
Speaker A:Work on love within self, work on clear communication.
Speaker A:Like start your relationship with.
Speaker A:I'm a clear communicator.
Speaker A:So even when there's a difficult conversation that needs to take place, I'm really excellent at communicating in a way that my voice can be heard.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker A:Because you know, in life it's not about someone agreeing.
Speaker A:Maybe it's just about someone being willing to hear.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Like you could say, oh, I feel overwhelmed.
Speaker A:I'm doing so much.
Speaker A:I'm carrying so much load and it's really exhausting me.
Speaker A:And I, you know, it's really important for me that you're aware of this burden I've been carrying and how it's impacting my health and my life.
Speaker A:So, so if you're, if you're open to be in a relationship with me, I need your openness to take on more of this requirement.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Instead of just allowing me to do it.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Because that's a lot of people on this planet.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:They have very strong women.
Speaker A:They're overdoing, they're over pushing, they're exhausting themselves.
Speaker A:And then, you know what happens the minute they break down?
Speaker A:What happens?
Speaker A:The men bring them in and they're like, you have to fix my wife.
Speaker A:You have to fix my wife.
Speaker A:And why is that?
Speaker A:Because they're having to take care of the kids that the wife takes care of all the time.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And now all of a sudden, the wife can't do it.
Speaker A:And they're having to do it and they're like, oh, my God, fix my wife.
Speaker A:Because they don't want to do it.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:But if you're going to have kids, you have openness to share in that responsibility.
Speaker A:Be parents that are committed to being present for them, not to bring presents to their life would be present for them.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker A:Because all of these relationships are wounded.
Speaker A:We all have wounded stories, but we can get to healthier stories.
Speaker A:And it just requires a little bit of work and a little bit of awareness.
Speaker B:So let's talk about the, like, father, daughter relationship and how important it is for that to be, you know, for that to be, you know, for fathers to understand how important it is when they have daughters so that when they go out in the world and they attract someone that they're going to be in a relationship with that the relationship with the.
Speaker B:The father is, you know, is, you know, a solid, you know, relationship where their daughter is going to attract someone potentially that maybe has less wound.
Speaker B:Is that, Is that possible for.
Speaker A:Well, yes, there are different levels of wound.
Speaker A:But what, what daughters need to hear about fathers from fathers is one, their father is so happy they're a female.
Speaker A:The father loves them as a female, values them as a female.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:That they.
Speaker A:Because daughters so often are left curved, so they're not expressing what they need, but they want someone to know what they need.
Speaker A:And what I'm saying is, if your left curvature more in masculine, you need more love and validation, encouragement, approval from father.
Speaker A:You need to hear that your father is really happy that you're his little girl.
Speaker A:You need to hear that the father wants to step up and spend time, wants to understand what you need.
Speaker A:Because so many people go through their whole life and not ever sharing what they need.
Speaker A:And then they get frustrated because they're not getting what they need.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:But if we learn to validate, we can get what we need.
Speaker A:Oh, it makes me feel special when you do this for me.
Speaker A:And that's what I love about you, dad.
Speaker A:It makes me feel special when you're present in and you show up in my games.
Speaker A:It makes me want to play harder.
Speaker A:It makes me feel better when I know you're here to support me.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:So a big problem with ladies today that are in masculine is they're not great at asking what they need because that's a vulnerability.
Speaker A:And what they're more comfortable in is masculinity, not vulnerability.
Speaker A:But a lot of these ladies who are very in that are so much in masculine are also extremely vulnerable because they maybe had dominant mothers.
Speaker A:So they feel things emotionally, but then they shut it down.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So it probably is also important in that, in that dynamic for the, the mother and father, the parental relationship and the impact it has on, like the daughter.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So what could the father.
Speaker B:How could the father be an example in terms of like the relationship with the mom that would, you know, impact, you know, the daughter?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Well, the best thing to do is again, keep your wounds out of it.
Speaker A:And when, if you're going to impact your daughter, you don't want to talk poorly about her mother or to.
Speaker A:To her mother to her mother.
Speaker A:And the same is true.
Speaker A:We need to be mindful of the words we choose as a parent that we all need to practice regulation.
Speaker A:So we're learning to respond, not react.
Speaker A:We're letting emotions subside before we decide we want to come into it non emotionally so that the person can hear it.
Speaker A:And as long as we're staying out of the wounded inheritance and we start looking at, well, what can we do differently?
Speaker A:Oh, well, I came from a dynamic where my parents fought all the time.
Speaker A:They fought all the time.
Speaker A:All they did was fight.
Speaker A:Okay, well, our dynamic is that fighting all the time is unacceptable.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:That it's really to experience each other without drama and without blame and without guilt and shame and criticism.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:But so many people, they get overwhelmed and they, they dump that overwhelm on the partner that they jumped into a relationship.
Speaker A:The woman wanted to carry it all.
Speaker A:She wanted to be superwoman.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:But then what happens is any superwoman tires out.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker A:And when they tire out, all of.
Speaker B:A sudden, everyone pays for it.
Speaker A:People are paying for it.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So we want to save energy, we want to operate efficiently.
Speaker A:We want to do it differently.
Speaker A:And if you're a parent and you have some issues with your partner, be mindful that talking about that without regulation is not the best thing to do in front of your child.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Your child's learning everything you're doing.
Speaker A:They're watching it.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And so you can show a different way.
Speaker A:They'll watch that.
Speaker A:You could be, oh, well, you know, my parents really don't argue.
Speaker B:Right, right, right.
Speaker A:And so I'm not really open to a relationship that wants to argue.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And of course, parents might not argue.
Speaker A:They may both be in passivity.
Speaker A:Right, right.
Speaker A:So there can be factors why someone's not.
Speaker B:Well, yeah, let's elaborate on that.
Speaker A:Well, when the curve is backward, that's a withdrawal from someone's reality.
Speaker A:A lot of times those people can be passive.
Speaker A:Like, we can look at your life and we could say, okay, who was passive, your mother or your father?
Speaker B:My father.
Speaker A:Your father was passive.
Speaker A:Who was dominant, your father or your mother?
Speaker A:Your mother was dominant.
Speaker B:I think.
Speaker B:I think.
Speaker B:I thought maybe it wasn't passive.
Speaker B:I think as a young child, I think maybe I thought he was timid.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:I think.
Speaker A:Well, and I think timid fits because he's in a dynamic where he wants approval from women who have father abandonment trauma and they have wound with men.
Speaker A:And so, you know, it's like walking on eggshells.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Really want to rock the boat here.
Speaker A:Because if I rock the boat, what comes is something that's very painful.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Pain versus pleasure, like we talked about.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So I think as I got older, I realized.
Speaker B:I realized how my mom could be frustrated that my dad wasn't.
Speaker B:What, he would withdraw right.
Speaker B:From the.
Speaker B:From the conversation or just not have anything to say.
Speaker B:I know that.
Speaker B:I know that that dynamic happens a lot where the woman can be verbal and authoritative, and then the husband just stands there in that situation.
Speaker B:What is something that the husband could say to his wife?
Speaker B:Because sometimes they don't say anything.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And that just.
Speaker B:I think that triggers more something.
Speaker B:And I know that.
Speaker B:That that particular dynamic happens all.
Speaker B:All the time.
Speaker A:Well, the wound in the woman is before they even met the man.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:So, you know, listen, dear, you were harmed in your childhood.
Speaker A:You were harmed by not feeling loved by your mother or father, whoever it is.
Speaker A:And these wounds are where you're coming from.
Speaker A:And so when you're directing this all at me, when I were both clear that you had not the perfect situation with your parents.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So I think it's, again, through awareness, we must be aware that what the wounds are, all we have to do is be awake.
Speaker A:Like, I know when someone's critical or when someone's kind.
Speaker A:I know when someone's rejecting and when someone's loving.
Speaker A:I know when I.
Speaker A:When I'm enough for someone and when I'm not enough for someone.
Speaker A:And you can go on all.
Speaker A:All day on.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So we can see what people bring to us, and we can see if that's even them or a wound within them that some resolved.
Speaker A:And in my experience, most everything is a wound within someone that hasn't been resolved.
Speaker A:And as we journey out in our healthier relationships, we're clear communicators.
Speaker A:We realize that we have been taught to internalize instead of express truth.
Speaker A:And so just learning that, like I was taught that when I got hurt to not express it, but that impacted my health.
Speaker A:So now in my life, this is not all about you.
Speaker A:But when you said this or did this, it made me feel this way and that was hurtful to me.
Speaker A:And I know probably you weren't, that wasn't even your intention.
Speaker A:But if I don't share it with you, then we can't prevent it from duplicating.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:But then when you then take it a step further into multi generational assessment, then you say, well, is it even personal what's being transferred?
Speaker B:And it's not right.
Speaker B:That I think that's really important.
Speaker B:And when we return, I think we should talk about the boy and father, boy mother relationship and, and what moms can do, what dads can do in that and, and then even expand on the, the I'm not enough narrative narrative.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:We'll be right back.
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Speaker B:Welcome back.
Speaker B:We're going to talk about the relationship between, you know, the son and the parents and what is important in that relationship for them to see in the relationship or even the relationship with the dad and the mom.
Speaker A:What kids need is to have two parents that have worked to reframe their inherited behavior, the new behaviors that are actually healthy for their life and the growth of their family.
Speaker A:Unfortunately, most kids are influenced by wounded parents and grandparents and great grandparents.
Speaker A:And as far back as you can go though, you're seeing womb pass from generation to generation.
Speaker A:So but the key in our personal relationships is the repair that occurs within our parental relationships.
Speaker A:So when if I have a person who has an unhealthy relationship with her father and then she's attracting one wounded man after another, maybe working on repairing that dynamic with the father could help to shift what she's Attracting into her life.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker A:Okay, so to me, that's where it all needs to begin.
Speaker A:It's that we are wounded parents, that we can learn to become healthier parents.
Speaker A:We're wounded children because we have wounded parents who have wounded parents.
Speaker A:Hurts, right?
Speaker A:So hurt people, hurt people.
Speaker A:Critical people, criticize people, people who were abandoned, reject people.
Speaker A:This is kind of the story of multigenerational behavior.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:But when we're a female and you're looking for father approval and love, then the female needs to express to the father, if the father is present, that it's important to her that he's present.
Speaker A:Whereas with a lot of men today, they're more female dominant, at least experience.
Speaker B:And why is that?
Speaker B:And is there a way to change that with the relationship with the mother and son or the father and son?
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker A:Well, because again, why would a male be female dominant?
Speaker A:Well, because the female set very high standards for that child in the day to day.
Speaker A:And then when that female could have validated their son.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:They negated their sum by saying, well, it's good, but you can do better, which is a negation.
Speaker B:Or they could just not say anything at all, like in my parent in case.
Speaker A:Well, but again, those programs are still in people.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker A:Because you get them from different generational links.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So, but the key element when looking at child, like son and mother.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:Is that son and say it's a right curve man or right curve woman.
Speaker A:The same issue is at play that child, male or female, is looking for approval from a female that was given a high standard pattern of behavior, which is really how inadequacy is passed.
Speaker A:Because inadequacies pass always through expectations.
Speaker A:We've covered this where it would be better for our parent to say, you know, I was taught this, but this is what I learned.
Speaker A:And what I learned is no matter what you know, I did, it was not good enough.
Speaker A:So instead of chasing the carrots and one day you'll be good enough for the wounded person that you've never been enough for.
Speaker A:Stop trying to be enough for them, be enough for you.
Speaker A:You know, what are your intentions?
Speaker A:What are your actions?
Speaker A:You're taking.
Speaker A:So, like, I don't get caught up in women who's critical of me today because I've learned to validate.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Whereas when I always wanted the wounded female to validate me and who was never even validated by her father, but my goal was, oh, you're going to validate me and tell me how amazing I am, which never occurred.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:I was told how inadequate I was or how I wasn't making enough money or I didn't have a good enough job or whatever it is.
Speaker A:And why would that be?
Speaker A:Because there's this wound in that person before you attract them and it needs to be repaired.
Speaker A:But if, if we can just identify the role of the parent, that the parent's role is enormous.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker A:And it's not to stay asleep.
Speaker A:The role of the parent is to be awake, to do things differently.
Speaker A:If you're, if you're pregnant, then do it differently.
Speaker A:Oh, I'm so thankful I'm pregnant.
Speaker A:I'm just, I just love this fetus.
Speaker A:I'm so excited.
Speaker A:It doesn't matter if they're male or female, whatever they are, I'm going to love that child and I'm going to help them to see how powerful they are, how amazing they are.
Speaker A:I mean, help them to build on their greatness.
Speaker A:I mean it helped them to see how important it is that they learn to circle back and close the loop when it comes to what they are doing in life.
Speaker A:So because like to me every day I say, oh, I gave my best today.
Speaker A:And then I always follow that with my best is enough for me.
Speaker A:And, and it doesn't mean that I solve everyone's problem that comes my way, but I absolutely give my best to everyone's problem that comes my way.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So there's, you know, where I mad is an intention, but where I'm not at is an outcome.
Speaker A:And so, but to me, if you're a parent, you know, or choosing to be a parent, come in with neutral love.
Speaker A:Don't come in because you felt inadequate, you weren't a male and now you're going to want a male because you were the male.
Speaker A:And because that's when you get into multi gentlemen, multi generational gender confusion.
Speaker A:Like you see people in gender confusion, they're both logical and emotional.
Speaker A:Left and right.
Speaker A:You see some are so far left and so far right.
Speaker A:And, and then you realize, oh wow.
Speaker A:And they had a dominant mother who thought they'd be loved if they were a male.
Speaker A:And they had a passive father.
Speaker A:Well, the father wants a presentation for that child and then that child was influenced by a dominant mother that routinely negated.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And then what?
Speaker A:Those wounds are going to attract a similar program until we get a handle on it.
Speaker A:Once we get gain mastery over it, we will start attracting differently.
Speaker A:But even when we do attract that same pattern, we know how to navigate differently.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:Because navigation is the key to our growth.
Speaker A:It's how do we Navigate with wounded people, with multi generational wound in people, or with dysfunctions that occur before they even meet their partner.
Speaker B:So what, what could a father like, how could a father validate their son?
Speaker B:And that would be different than is it a different validation that the father, the son needs from the father and then that the mother gives to the son?
Speaker A:Well, so many kids, boys are emotionally, they're overly and sensitive.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And that means that they're more present with the female than the male.
Speaker A:So what's going to help the male child is for the male to be present but in the infancy of that child's life.
Speaker A:So not always does the crying child go to mother.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker A:That sometimes when the child's crying, they, they need to go to father but not be all.
Speaker B:But also in that case not be told by the father to not cry.
Speaker A:Well, or the mother not to cry.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Because you know, you have a lot of men who are more emotionally centered.
Speaker A:So you know, they may say, oh, it's okay that you're crying.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And then you have a lot of women that are masculine centered and it's absolutely not okay that you're crying.
Speaker A:Right, Right.
Speaker A:But then you can have a male that's more male dominant.
Speaker A:And that male, dominant male is like, oh, you're a baby or you're a little girl if you're crying.
Speaker A:If you're right.
Speaker B:Like no cry babies.
Speaker A:And, and, but you know, we all were emotional ones and we were either allowed to express emotion or we were taught to deny emotion.
Speaker A:When we deny emotion, we get disease.
Speaker A:And when we deny an internalized emotion, we get cancer profiles.
Speaker A:Is when you look at the cancer profiles across the board, it's like case after case when you image them.
Speaker A:Reversal of the lumbar curve.
Speaker B:Interesting.
Speaker A:So they don't know how to express hurt.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:They don't know how to not personalize hurt.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And so because they were taught to deny, you look at prostate cancer, you know, what are you going to find?
Speaker A:You're going to find dominant mother in prostate cancer.
Speaker A:You find more absent father in prostate cancer, then that male is going to attract a dominant wife.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:The dominant wife's going to be comfortable, masculine, but not in feminine.
Speaker B:Right, Right, right.
Speaker A:And so then the male who's being hurt, it's doing what with his hurt?
Speaker A:Internalizing it, bearing it down.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So you just see patterns in like all diseases show up patterns.
Speaker A:And I have not seen all diseases.
Speaker A:I've seen a lot over the 35 years doing this work.
Speaker A:And what I do know to be True is everything shows up in a pattern.
Speaker A:So we may maybe haven't seen it.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker A:But our way.
Speaker A:And we can image it and see the pattern.
Speaker A:When another case comes our way, what we do is see similarities and pattern.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker A:So it's very exciting process.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:For sure too.
Speaker A:Because where this will go, once people start looking at things holistically rather than segmentally, they're going to start seeing patterns in everything.
Speaker A:And once they see that there's a pattern, there's a whole lot of awareness that you can give to a person.
Speaker A:Person in a pattern to shift it.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Like if you're a dominant female, what do you work on?
Speaker A:Why would you.
Speaker A:If you're a dominant woman, why would you attract an emotional male?
Speaker A:Why would you do that?
Speaker B:Because I am not comfortable being vulnerable.
Speaker A:There you go.
Speaker B:That's what I've been working on.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:So that's a perfect answer.
Speaker A:So what you.
Speaker A:You attract the emotional because what you need to work on in you.
Speaker A:Vulnerability.
Speaker B:Right, right, right.
Speaker A:And then they attract the non emotional because what they need to work on them is regulating emotion.
Speaker A:So not get triggered into reacting emotionally.
Speaker A:And that's happening every day in so many relationships.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker A:You know, in the world.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:I want validation from someone who's never received it.
Speaker A:They can't give it.
Speaker A:It triggers in me a feeling of inadequacy.
Speaker A:And now I'm losing regulation either emotionally or through my words.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker B:Well, let's talk about the not enough narrative.
Speaker B:So I.
Speaker B:There's so many different examples I can think of.
Speaker B:So one.
Speaker B:One would be someone saying, you know, if I'm not enough for you, and I don't know why that triggered.
Speaker B:That triggers me when people, when.
Speaker A:That commonly means they don't know what they want.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:I don't know what I want.
Speaker A:And we're having struggles.
Speaker A:So I'm just gonna let it go.
Speaker A:And how I'm gonna let it go.
Speaker A:It's as easy as I can.
Speaker A:Let me blame myself for why this doesn't work.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:But again, it's what relationships are working.
Speaker A:How do you define a relationship that is working?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Well, yeah.
Speaker A:How do you define a relationship that is healthy?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Well, we should have the ability to communicate honestly.
Speaker A:If I can communicate to you honestly and you can communicate to me honestly and that we never.
Speaker A:We put a rule in, you know, you never put the relationship on the line.
Speaker A:You know, we're in the infancy of this relationship and we're doing more than people before us have done because we have Awareness that we have this wound that needs to be repaired.
Speaker A:If we repair this wound, can we find joy within ourself and then within the relationship we attract to our life?
Speaker A:And so it's all through repairing the wound.
Speaker A:Like, I don't get caught up when a woman criticizes me today.
Speaker A:It's like, oh, you have a right to.
Speaker A:It doesn't impact me on any level.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And it's like, oh, thanks for pointing that out.
Speaker A:That's, that's great for me to have awareness because I don't see it that way.
Speaker A:I don't see it as, oh, I need to be repaired by this person who is wounded.
Speaker A:No, no, I need repair my wounds is not someone's job.
Speaker A:And so consequently, that's what I've worked really hard on in my life to do.
Speaker A:And why I go through my life really being an expert in regulation that big things happen, hard things happen, terrible things happen, but they're not opportunities to lose regulation.
Speaker B:So if someone were to say that to someone, what could that person, what could the personal receiving end of that, you know, that, you know, it's a bit self deprecating, I think maybe like when, you know, I, I guess I'm not enough for you or you know, in that, what is, could someone respond to that in a healthy way?
Speaker A:When I say I'm not enough for you, I'm saying I'm coming from a feeling of inadequacy within me.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:When I say you're not enough for me, then I'm coming from an unreasonable expectation that I'm playing, placing on you.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So the common theme is so many of us have struggled in knowing when we're enough.
Speaker A:And like I'll, I'll talk to people, I'll coach them and they'll say, oh, you gave me so much information, I'm going to go home and I'm going to work on this so I can fix myself.
Speaker A:And I say, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute there.
Speaker A:You didn't hear me correctly.
Speaker A:This is not about you fixing you.
Speaker A:It's about you learning to let go of who you're not and replace who you're not with who you are.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So it's not about you're flawed or you're inadequate.
Speaker A:It's no, when we come from that, yes, it's such a misdirection.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:But when we realize, no, we're all given greatness, we're all given gifts, some of us never find them, some of us find our gifts very naturally.
Speaker A:Okay, but we're we're all giving gifts and we are, are all born amazing.
Speaker A:We're, you know, we look at the word perfect and we say the word perfect.
Speaker A:It says flawless or without flaw.
Speaker A:It's what, when we look at, oh, if I have a flaw, I got to get rid of that flaw.
Speaker A:But if you look at perfect from the unabridged dictionary, you see having all your parts, lacking nothing, being complete and being whole.
Speaker A:Under that definition, we're all perfect.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And our inadequacies are dependency.
Speaker A:Our limitations are a part of our wholeness.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So we need to get out of the program that we are inadequate and get into the program that we need to learn to celebrate on the day to day our intention.
Speaker A:And when we give our best intention to whatever it is we're doing in life, that's a moment to celebrate.
Speaker A:We get that in our program, we repeat it a million times, and then all of a sudden you learn, oh, it's not that important how other people view you.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:It's more important how you view you.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker A:And I can view myself with honesty and someone can point something out to me and I could be like, wow, that's really a good awareness.
Speaker A:Let me just, you know, see how that resonates.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Like I used to say, because my older sister is great at bringing things to my attention, I feel like.
Speaker B:And we have that relationship.
Speaker B:So when she would say something, it was like, oh, like, let me take that under advisement.
Speaker B:You know, let me think about it.
Speaker B:And not.
Speaker B:I didn't come from like a defensive place, which definitely was a pattern I had with, with people that, you know, because maybe I didn't have a relationship with them and I thought they were being critical of me and that I would be defensive.
Speaker B:And so I had a close relationship with, you know, my sister, so.
Speaker B:But then I realized that I really can also practice that with like outside of my family dynamic.
Speaker B:And that if someone says something, you know, the first thing is, you know, I ask myself, is it personal?
Speaker B:And it's never personal.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And, and then I can, I can take feedback and not be reactive to it.
Speaker A:Yeah, kids, anyone can have an opinion.
Speaker A:It doesn't mean we should lose our identity to their opinion.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker A:Like someone could be critical of you.
Speaker A:Doesn't mean you then need to be self critical.
Speaker A:If there's some awareness in that projection that's meaningful, then take that into consideration.
Speaker A:Be open to shift and grow.
Speaker A:However, my experience so often is a person is wounded in a behavior, they're coming from that behavior that behavior was before me.
Speaker A:Their need to transfer to me has nothing to do with me.
Speaker A:And so I'm mindful of what to do when fear comes my way.
Speaker A:I believe that it's the best thing we can learn to do is meet a fear projection with love.
Speaker A:So when someone's coming from rejection, we need to understand will they have an abandonment wound.
Speaker A:When someone's coming from criticism, we need to understand that they have experienced multi generational criticism.
Speaker A:So when it gets transferred to us, we need to be prepared to stand up, not sit down because people are more emotional sitting than standing.
Speaker A:And we need to be prepared to meet it with love.
Speaker A:As simple as oh, thank you for your insight, that's really helpful.
Speaker A:This will give me also an opportunity to practice love when I feel like someone's critical of me on some level.
Speaker A:And as I learned to do that, I learned to dissipate the projection.
Speaker A:I learned to not give weight to it.
Speaker A:And of course your identity is going to be more solid and your relationships as you move forward in your life are going to be healthier and healthier because it's only through a boundary.
Speaker A:Bad, unhealthy behavior comes your way.
Speaker A:Are you open to put a boundary in place or are you going to just be passive and let that dysfunction continue day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year?
Speaker A:If you put a boundary in place at the moment of that first dysfunction, you can shift that person so they don't repeatedly come back to that same projection.
Speaker B:Thank you for joining us on today's episode of the Adjusting youg Life Podcast.
Speaker B:To view the show notes, please visit adjustingyourlifepodcast.com and we will see you next time.
Speaker A:This is a broadcast of the Adjusting youg Life podcast produced by Adjusted Life Media.
Speaker A:All information contained in this episode and all other content provided on this channel is for informational and entertainment purposes only.
Speaker A:This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
Speaker A:If you or someone you know is experiencing a medical emergency, please contact your local Emergency Emergency Services.
Speaker A:Dr. Stephen M. Ward, D.C. is a board certified doctor of Chiropractic Medicine licensed in the State of California, county of Los Angeles.
Speaker A:The Adjusting youg Life Podcast is written and produced by Executive Producer Jamie Knapp and co produced by Kennedy hall and Dr. Steven Ward as Dr. Steve.
Speaker A:For more information or to connect with us, visit adjustingyourlifepodcast.com.
